


What A Beautiful Wedding

by GemmaNye



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Canada, Conversion, Denial, F/M, Internalised Homophobia, Kevin is ace/demi, Kevin’s in denial, M/M, NYC, Salt Lake City, Vancouver Island, Wedding, Why not Canada yanno?, and he’s a bit of a jerk, churchtarts, established relationships - Freeform, eventual lemons/lemons scattered through, mcpricely - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-09-28 16:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20428706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GemmaNye/pseuds/GemmaNye
Summary: Kevin Price is not gay.Well, that’s sort of true because he doesn’t like men. Come to think of it, he doesn’t really like women either...There’s only been one person in his whole life who he can say that he has loved, that whole warm, butterflies kind of love, and that person was Connor McKinley.On their last night in Uganda, Kevin did something that messed them both up, and now, at Chris and James’ wedding, they must face eachother, their pasts and themselves.





	1. Prologue - Blame Canada

**Author's Note:**

> Just to let you guys know, pretty much everything about this story is subject to change, but I really wanted to get this chapter out and reassure you that I’m working on bigger and better things.  
I hope you enjoy reading this chapter, and just know that minor things may be updated in future, I was just super excited to get this out there - kudos and comment if you’re looking forward to more! x  
PS. These chapters are going to be littered with little references so see how many you can spot ;)

_Dear Heavenly Father,_

Kevin dipped his head to rest against his palms pressed together in prayer. He would just do this at home but by his logic, if praying at home worked, surely praying in God’s _own house_ was even more effective. And, not to beat around the bush, he needed all the power of prayer he could get if he were to survive the next week.

_Please help Isabelle to pass her exams, please make the plane not drop out of the sky tomorrow._

He thought for a long moment about what to ask for next, but it was pointless - he had known for weeks what he needed from God right now.

_And please give me the strength to resist Connor McKinley..._

It was shameful, it was sinful, and he hated how weak he felt for even contemplating whether Connor would have the same effect on him as he had all those months ago. Kevin was a changed man, a man unaffected by desires of the flesh, well, _his _flesh anyway. This wasn’t the first time he had asked for this strength and it wouldn’t be the last.

Kevin felt lighter when he left The Salt Lake Temple, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His steps were bouncy and jovial as he made his way over to his tiny Fiat, which he bought out of necessity but liked the added perk that people always thought there was an empty parking space until_ oop- there’s a tiny car. _He hummed along to the radio on the way back to his apartment, tapping a beat onto the leather steering wheel with his long fingers, the nails painted black.

His trips to the Temple always made him feel better, made him feel as if everything was going to be okay. He had been almost every single morning before college for the six months since he returned from Uganda. Although he told his family it was because of a divine rekindling of faith, that wasn’t entirely true, he wasn’t lying, he just... _omitted_ 99% of the truth. There had been a catalyst of sorts back in Uganda, the straw that broke the camel’s back, if you will, and a particularly nasty can of worms had been opened.

Ever since then, Kevin fought to repair his relationship with Heavenly Father whilst coming to terms with the fact that he was_ not gay,_ not even a little bit, he had been weak and was taken advantage of.

Okay,_ now _Kevin might be lying.

It was something he thought about every single day.

Nowadays, however, his reasons for going to the temple weren’t solely restorative, in fact he quite enjoyed it, it stopped his inner monologue tearing him to shreds, at least.

The second he walked through the doors, the voices in his head calling him a loser, a coward, a terrible friend all dimmed and granted him peace and quiet for a little while.

He had to admit it was the main reason he still went.

Kevin felt his phone vibrate as he got out of the elevator on the fifth floor of the block, deciding that it couldn’t do any harm to leave Arnold hanging until he made himself a coffee.

“Hey, bud” he spoke into his phone as he sipped on his cold brew, trying to inject as much enthusiasm as possible into his voice.

“Okay,” he smiled as he walked aimlessly around his kitchen “I’ll see you at the airport at twelve, that’ll give us four hours to get through security and stuff” Kevin rolled his eyes at Arnold’s protests.

“Yes we do nee- three hours? Only if you want to miss the wedding, Arn”

“Okay then, twelve thirty is it, but on your head be it...” he haughtily amended the time scribbled onto his calendar, a puppy one his little sister Isabelle had bought him that he hung in his kitchen.

“Alright, see you then bud”

To nobody’s real surprise, Chris Thomas and James Church had announced their relationship and engagement in quick succession in the months following Uganda. The last Kevin knew, the pair had bought an apartment in New York, where Chris had a job with a media company(?) and James was training with the NYPD(?). In an avoidable turn of events, he had fallen out of touch with the group at large and the wedding would be the first time he was seeing any of them since Uganda.

It was an odd feeling, to share your entire world with a group of people for two years and then for it to just... stop. Of course, he only lived down the road from Arnold and Naba and they met up often, but Kevin could never help but feel as if he was third wheeling, stopping them from curling up together on the loveseat and whispering sweet nothings till they went hoarse.

It made Kevin sick to his stomach.

With varying degrees of success, he had tried getting a girlfriend but had decided that whole scene wasn’t for him. Another dinner with a scarlet-lipsticked thirty-something year old banging on about herself over an entire bottle of wine she didn’t pay for and he would probably go insane.

Kevin, the clean-shaved Mormon boy that he was, had been raised to be a gentleman, which meant he waited until the third date to have sex (there had been only one third date and it had not really stuck to that plan), he opened doors for ladies and critically, he paid for both of them, and so this whole dating escapade had stretched his already light wallet thin.

At least this week away would be a break from routine, a time to catch up and give empty promises to go to dinner parties, coo over little babies and bet at how long the marriage would last with some of the more cynical relatives.

Kevin had to admit he was looking forward to seeing Church and Thomas again, they were both so bubbly and optimistic, they were honestly perfect for each other, he would be able to talk football with Elder Davis, continue his deep philosophical chats with Elder Neely, and uh- Elder McKinley...

Kevin stopped that train of thought in his tracks, he was already thinking about _that _again.

It would be the first time they would see eachother since _that._

Kevin dropped his head into his hands, his face going very red all of a sudden. The memories passed vividly before his eyes, not necessarily good or bad, just painfully familiar, as if his brain had grown accustomed to tormenting him with them. His fingers absent-mindedly trailed across his neck.

He remembered himself and let out a shuddery gasp, swiping his hair out of his eyes with a shaking hand. He didn’t deserve to think about that, McKinley was far too good for him, and Kevin _wasn’t gay _in any case, however that would only serve to make it even more awkward when they did see eachother.

That night his sleep had been patchy and troubled, and a coiled spring of anxiety sat in the bottom of his stomach. He fell asleep alone and woke up alone, the other side of bed remained cold and unwelcoming through the icy November night. Kevin Price secretly despised being this solitary, months ago he had relished in the freedom, but he found himself craving one of Arnold’s convoluted anecdotes or else Connor’s easy smile and silly sense of humour.

A grin spread across his face despite himself, he would have all of them to himself for the whole week, even if it was in a hotel in the middle of nowhere. Kevin dressed quickly into a burgundy sweater and jeans, and repainted the chipped parts of his nails, realising he should probably dig out his winter coat for when they got there. You see, Chris was an idealist, he saw what he wanted to see rather than what was actually there, and what he had always wanted was a snowy winter wedding, and the cheapest place that they could guarantee the perfect weather was Canada - Vancouver island to be precise.

In due course, Kevin found himself squished into the limited space that existed between a sleeping Arnold and the plane window, with his only aid being noiselessly sympathetic glances from Nabulungi, who Kevin could tell was just glad that she didn’t have to put up with it for two and a half hours. He wondered whether he had murdered a puppy or something in a past life to deserve this, before shamefully realising that he had accumulated more than enough bad karma in the last six months for a whole plane’s worth of people. He tried to read a book but the words just bounced around uselessly on the page, he tried to sleep but he’d had an ostensibly large black coffee that morning and so his knee bounced up and down nervously. Kevin hated flying, hurtling through the air in a metal box, the notion that anybody actually enjoyed it, or didn’t continuously contemplate their mortality whilst doing it was absolutely ridiculous. Quite how Arnold had been able to relax enough to go to sleep was beyond him, but Arnold had been known to fall asleep with his cereal spoon halfway to his mouth.

What had followed was a terrifyingly icy landing, during which Kevin was hyperventilating into a paper bag, and a ferry across to Vancouver island, which he could tell was very beautiful in the few moments he stole a glance between throwing up over the side.

“You’re really not that great at travelling” Nabulungi commented with a small smile while she rubbed Kevin’s back as he emptied his stomach contents into the water.

He grunted and gave a small nod, it was all he could trust himself to do without vomiting again. She was right, he was a terrible traveller, but the first time he had ever been on a plane (or even left Salt Lake City by himself) had been two and a half years ago when he was nineteen, apparently a ripe old age to start becoming at all independent.

Even in Uganda he wasn’t truly self-sufficient, Connor had done an amazing job at keeping them all alive, which is harder than it sounds when applied to a dozen teenagers in Africa. The truth was that the weight of the adult world had been dropped onto Kevin’s shoulders rather than delicately lowered as it was with most people, suddenly he goes from wondering about if two weeks is too long to wear a pair of sweatpants to having words like _interest _and_ VAT _thrown at him from all angles.

Kevin believed that in this world, we’re all just children having children, and those well-to-do Starbucks ladies who wear yoga pants but don’t exercise who claim to have a handle on adult life are shameless liars - life is a shambles but we’re all born and we all die, yoga pants or not.

Speaking of dying, Kevin’s mind was on edge for the entire drive to the hotel, he was determined not to get carsick and his sheer willpower seemed to be accomplishing something, since the nausea that rolled through him had nothing at all to do with their mode of transport. He was about to come face to face with Elder McKinley for the first time since Uganda and Kevin felt as if he might vomit again. Despite his best efforts, he hadn’t forgotten a single thing about him, Kevin remembered his height, his shoe size, even his favourite flavour of ice cream. What had come to pass between himself and Connor on that last night, he almost wanted to believe that it hadn’t happened, that it had been just another unholy product of his overactive imagination. Except it had, and he was going to be reminded of it every time he looked into Connor’s blue eyes, which still burned bright even in his memory.

All of this happens right after McKinley hits him in the face, of course. And Kevin deserves it. This fact doesn’t make him any less correct, though, because in the six months since then, he has come to understand an awful lot, the priests helped him to realise how gullible he had been to Connor’s advances, how it was understandable for someone to feel things for someone of the same sex in a completely platonic way, and how gay people like Elder McKinley love to try and seduce weak people like him, that Satan manifests himself in their form to try to lead him astray.

_The real power _Father Donovan had said _lies not with temptation, but in the resistance of it._

Kevin sighed - this was going to be a long week...

———————————————————————

Connor remembered the day vividly when Chris and James bounced into the apartment more excitedly than usual, both of them whispering hurriedly to the other as they approached Connor who was reclined on the two-seater.

“Hey Con?” Chris called, rounding the sofa to look at him, his hands oddly tucked behind his back.

“What is it? Okay, let me guess: either someone died or-“ Connor’s eyes widened, and he lunged for Chris’s left hand, pulling it into the light and shrieking when he caught sight of the gold band on his finger.

“What the- how could you guess that?” James called over at the embracing couple as he poured himself a glass of wine.

“God, he’s been egging us on enough, love” Chris gasped through Connor’s bear hug.

“I’m so happy for you two!” His voice was increasing in pitch but he didn’t care, he loved weddings and couldn’t wait to get to work planning everything from the venue to the colour scheme, it was going to be absolutely perfect.

“I was actually hoping, and don’t pass out on me, Con...” Chris took both of his hands in his own and looked up at him sincerely “will you be my best man?”

“Ohmygodyes!” was the strangled response as Connor threw his arms around his former Mission companion again, tears running down his face.

“On one condition” Chris managed, prying the koala-like Connor off him “that when you find yourself an awesome gentleman,”

“I’m taking that as a compliment!” James shouted from the kitchen.

“Then I can be your best man” Chris smiled, arranging his hair absent-mindedly.

“Of course, Chris, I’m not that much of a bitch” he winked, admiring the gold band that adorned his finger. Connor wanted to get married someday, to a gentleman, the tall, dark and handsome type, with a good sense of humour... he sighed - men like that are hard to find, and even in New York’s extensive array of gay men, Connor hadn’t even found one to take home with him, he hated the whole stereotypes thing, and how more often than not he would be described as _a twunk. _He wasn’t sure what it meant but it certainly didn’t sound good.

In the frantic months that followed, Connor and James joined forces to help create the dream wedding that Chris very much preferred to verbally illustrate rather than actually help to organise, but at least it gave them something to work with. Everything was going to happen at the Wiccaninnish Inn on Vancouver island, so they would hopefully have some snow come November without being caught in a blizzard, and the hotel was notorious for being able to facilitate whatever weird and wonderful ideas their patrons can come up with.

They had gone for an earthy green and bronze theme, and had this all transferred onto the invites, which they mutually agreed were adorable. The front of them read:

_You are cordially invited to the union in matrimony of_

_Christopher Adam Thomas_

_And_

_James Matthew Church_

At that point, the trio had realised quite how real this was all getting and decided to cool off with a chat over a bottle of Prosecco.

“Do you ever want to get married, Con?” Chris asked, taking a small sip out of his glass and interlocking his fingers with James’s.

“Sure,” he shrugged, pondering the question “I mean, it’s all about the guy, isn’t it? I’ve met a ton of jerks”

“Yeah, you need to feel the butterflies, yanno?” James animated this with his free hand.

“You must’ve felt that before, Con, felt jittery and nervous around a guy” Chris raised an eyebrow.

“The type that makes your heart flutter and your eyes blur” James sniggered after he said this, tracing up Chris’s cheekbone with a fingertip.

“I s’pose” Connor told his glass, feet tapping against the carpet. He had felt like that before, he knew full well that there was someone out there who could reduce him to a crying mess with just a few words (or lack thereof), but he had done so well at forgetting about _him,_ he didn’t want to undo the progress he had made at picking up the pieces of his life by getting involved with _him _again.

But it was the truth, _Kevin _(tears stung at Connor’s eyes but he managed to blink them back) was just so faultlessly charming and naive, so tall and clean cut that it left him skittish, even six months later Connor could still feel the hot breath on his neck, the lips frantic against his. But when did anything ever go right in the life of Connor McKinley? Of course, Kevin had gone AWOL the second he stepped off that plane and Arnold refused to properly talk about him, as if he’d been told not to, so Kevin might as well have died. He did die, in Connor’s mind, the Kevin Price he had got to know, the one who knocked on his office door all those months ago was not the one that was out there somewhere today. That Kevin Price would text him back, would answer his phone calls, he would go out to lunch with him and hold his hand in public, would open doors for him and pick up the tab when they went out together. Connor’s perfect gentleman had died, and Connor almost wanted him to stay that way.

Almost.

The truth was he was just a clusterfuck of emotions about the wedding, of course they had sent invites out to everybody, but what if Kevin didn’t show up? _What if he did show up? _If Kevin retained any decency about him, he would attend, I mean he spent two years of his life with them and that should mean something, right? Who was he kidding, Kevin was as predictable as a Swiss timetable, he would turn up, keep his head down, charm all the old ladies and probably get pissed afterwards - but that was _Uganda _Kevin, Connor knew _Uganda_ Kevin, the person who he doesn’t know is _Never answers Connor’s messages _Kevin.

Connor coughed uncomfortably, crossing his legs and setting his glass down.

“You okay, Con?” Chris looked across at him, his face so naively sympathetic that he couldn’t help but smile - Chris was too good for him, looking after him when he was kicked out, letting him stay in his apartment indefinitely until he got on his feet.

“I’m fine, uh- what type of cake do you guys want?” Connor grinned, knowing how the answer to that simple question would occupy the silence for the next hour if they let it. Connor did not need silence right now, it would do nothing good for him, noise was comfortable and safe, he liked noise.

———————————————————————


	2. Day One - (Re)introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Connor come face to face for the first time since Uganda, so awkwardness, freakouts and flirting abound!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to add little Easter eggs and references in my stories - see if you can spot the Falsettos lyric ;)

Kevin took a deep breath as he stepped into the warmth of the hotel lobby, he dug his hands into his jean pockets before realising that it made him look like an idiot and pulling them out to let his arms dangle awkwardly at his sides.

He eagerly let Arnold speed ahead, hand in hand with Nabulungi, to go find the happy couple that they reasoned had to be hanging about here somewhere. Kevin noticed how much of a mistake this was almost immediately, because now he was alone in the sparse lobby, unable to hide behind anybody (although his height usually made that impossible) and this thought made him increasingly uncomfortable. He walked over to one of the expansive windows and took in the breathtaking view with all the awe of one checking their phone. Kevin wasn’t really in the gaping and gasping mood, a mood which wasn’t at all improved by the sound of people approaching behind him.

The spring of anxiety in his stomach reared it’s ugly head and coiled tightly because he knew exactly who had just entered the room, he knew what he hadn’t had time to psych himself up for on the journey - it was the conversation that was about to ensue. He waited with bated breath, anxious to just get it out of the way.

“Kevin, is that you sulking in the corner?” Chris called over at him, leading the small group that had already arrived towards the man who was facing out the window.

“Oh, hey guys” he turned at this and flashed them a loose approximation of his winning smile.

Kevin’s eyes travelled from face to face, from Arnold to Naba to Chris to James, the latter pair seemed much more worldly and mature than when he last saw them six months ago, but Chris’s eyes had retained their childish sheen. Then he caught sight of Elder Davis and his girlfriend, a short woman with a judgemental resting face, then Elder Neely who had managed to grow a truly spectacular beard.

Kevin thought he was in the clear for a moment too long before he saw Connor - identical to how he had looked all those months ago, his blonde hair was still swept across, his face was still soft and smiling and his eyes were still a piercing blue. It was as if they’d never left.

“Hey” Kevin repeated quietly, looking directly at Connor as he spoke.

———————————————————————

“Hey” Kevin said, his dark eyes unreadable as they studied Connor’s face.

Kevin had changed since he saw him last, he looked gaunt and sickly, although Arnold had told them it was because apparently_ the _perfect Kevin Price was severely travel sick and still a bit delicate. Connor liked the word delicate being applied to Kevin, because he knew he would absolutely hate it. In a different time he would have teased him about it.

Despite all this, he definitely looked thinner, his cheekbones were sharper and his jaw more pronounced, but whether this was because he hadn’t been eating or just the last of his puppy fat was anyone’s guess.

Connor opened his mouth to speak, he wanted to ask if he was okay, he wanted to scream at him, he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to punch him right in his stupid face for leaving him alone when he needed him most.

“Hey” was what he actually said, it was pathetic but he was _not _equipped to have that conversation just yet, and anyway this really wasn’t the time or place to do any of those. Maybe later, maybe never... Connor wasn’t sure which one he preferred the sound of.

Kevin shook his head and seemed to come to his senses, smiling broadly as he brought first Chris then James into an awkward one-armed hug.

“How are you two? I love the location” Kevin gestured out to the stunning wintery landscape.

Casual chitchat - Kevin must be feeling uncomfortable to resort to that this early. Connor’s smirk broadened at the oddly cute display of social skills that one could only describe as _clunky._

“We’re doing great,” James smiled lovingly up at Chris “and you should really thank Connor for picking out the venue, it was his idea” he turned round to bring attention to Connor, who had managed to stay under the radar by utilising the age old combination of being really short and standing at the back.

James even had the audacity to wink at him, a grin slowly growing across his face.

What the **fudge**,James?!

If looks could kill. Connor tried to convey the fury of a thousand suns in the second or so that they made eye contact before he turned to face Kevin. Wow, had he always been that tall?

“It was no problem, really, I’m just glad that you put up with my ideas, because I’m afraid I might have gone a bit overboard...” Connor flushed and fixed his eyes on his feet, praying that everybody had stopped looking at him.

“Wait, are you trying to tell me that _Connor McKinley _of all people went over the top?” Kevin laughed, and he had to admit he’d missed hearing his name spoken in that voice “I’d have never believed it”

Connor chuckled despite himself but froze up when Kevin pulled him into his apparently trademarked one armed embrace. After the initial shock wore off, Connor rolled his eyes and wrapped both arms around the other man in a proper hug and smiled when he felt him reciprocate. _There, _he thought, _that wasn’t so hard, was it?_

Kevin was warm, more skinny than Connor remembered and smelled of cologne, because of course Kevin wears cologne when he travels.

“Hey, Connor” he gave an odd smile and blinked quickly before averting his eyes.

“Hi Kevin, how’re things in Utah?” The others had started a conversation of their own about the venue, making this much weirder than it needed to be - unguarded conversation could turn awkward or hostile very easily when it was with Kevin Price.

“Good, doing my degree to become an elementary school teacher, I guess I just enjoyed teaching all those little kids in Uganda, it inspired me, yanno?”

Connor knew all of this already from Arnold but he wasn’t about to let that slip just yet “I can imagine you as a teacher, tweed jacket and all”

“Oh, absolutely, the jacket is like fifty percent of the reason I want the job,” he grinned, a proper grin this time, showing all of his immaculately white teeth “how about you? What’re you up to these days?”

“Well, I’m doing journalism at college and I’ve started an apprentice scheme at CBSN, they say I have a _face for camera”_ he said with a flourish, before turning red and adding “Whatever that means...”

Kevin giggled at this, running a hand through his dark hair. Connor noticed that his nails were painted black and he was living for it, at least Kevin seemed to be finding himself at last despite everything else he must be going through with his Robocop parents.

“So, are you with anyone? I mean, not are you with anyone but did you bring anyone along with you? I mean, do you-“

“I don’t have a boyfriend, Kevin” Connor smiled up at him wearily, Kevin never was one to make things quick and painless. “You?”

“Do I what?” He blinked.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“What? No, I uh-“ he coughed and looked anywhere but into Connor’s eyes “I mean, I’ve been on dates but I haven’t been able to find a girlfriend”

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence following his last word.

“Oh” Connor smiled breathlessly “so you’re bisexual?”

“Nope, I’m straight” he said as if he were defending himself against a gang of middle schoolers. He began to pick at the polish on his nails, before Connor gently slapped his hand away.

“Hey, don’t ruin your nails, they suit you” it wasn’t the same as saying he _liked _them, but the gratitude in Kevin’s eyes showed that he got the message. There was probably also a great deal of gratitude that Connor had changed the subject - a subject that was as unwelcome yet as unavoidable as their student loan invoices.

“Have you ever tried nail polish?” He grinned, shifting his hands into different poses as he spoke.

“I will _now, _how do you feel about hot pink?” Connor inspected his nails at arms length. Kevin giggled again, and Connor realised he’d forgotten how warm and pretty the sound was, as well as how often he did it around Connor.

“Sounds gorgeous” Kevin smirked and winked at him before turning to talk to Chris, who had just appeared out of nowhere at his shoulder.   
Connor felt as if he might faint - _what the heck was going on?! _He had expected things to be awkward between them, sure, maybe even cold, but he found himself actually enjoying talking to him, as if nothing had happened. Connor told himself to reign it in, he was still meant to be livid at him for disappearing into thin air. These were all thoughts racing through the back of his mind, but the thing that had prominence in his consciousness was the fact that Kevin had just winked at him.

**KEVIN HAD JUST WINKED AT HIM.**

The alarms were going off in his brain and deafened him to the polite chitchat going on around him. Oh, but of course it was absolutely meaningless because apparently _Kevin is straight now._

Connor immediately decided this was altogether too many emotions for one person to deal with at a time and suddenly decided that he needed to go to the bathroom. At least a mini-freakout there would be less detrimental than one here.

———————————————————————

Kevin didn’t know what to feel anymore - whatever he had been expecting, it certainly wasn’t for it to go like this, for him and Connor to fall back into old ways. He had just felt so comfortable with him, he forgot everything he had been working towards for the past six months and actually flirted like he used to in Uganda. He _flirted. _God, he hadn’t prepared for this whatsoever.

What was he expecting? What did he want? For Connor to be happy being led along like this forever? For Connor to want him again? Kevin hated this uncertainty, the copious amount of guesswork that came with maintaining a normal, healthy relationship, you see, Kevin doesn’t _do _normal, healthy relationships. Not anymore anyway. Through all this confusion, there was one thing he was certain of: Kevin Price is not weak, he does not give in to temptation.

The real power lies not with temptation, but in the resistance of it.

As they all waited for Elder Shrader to arrive (and he couldn’t come soon enough), Kevin found himself engaging in mindless chatter with the rest of the group about everything and nothing, from commenting on the decor to the various things they were up to these days (Kevin was right - James was training to be a detective at the NYPD, but was overcome with a mix of embarrassment and another emotion he couldn’t quite name to discover that Chris was not in fact working for a media company, it turns out he’d been hearing about Connor all this time...).

He hated all of the change that was happening around him, Elder Davis shouldn’t have a girlfriend, he should be embarking on ill-fated escapades with women from the village, Elder Neely shouldn’t have a beard (even if it did _really _suit him), Chris and James shouldn’t be getting married, they should be sneaking around together and thinking they were being subtle about it just like it was in Uganda.

Things were so simple back then, they all got along so long as Elders Church and Davis didn’t steal his pens, and to be awfully blunt, Kevin didn’t hate himself nearly as much as he did now. In Uganda, his relationship with Connor could just be, it could just exist and not have to be labelled like it was here. Kevin’s problem with the Church is that they preach that it is natural and normal for someone to have feelings for a man, but as soon as they learnt that said someone is also a man, they are branded as_ gay_ and told that they are unnatural, a mistake. How can it ever be unnatural to love someone?

Okay, he was going to _stop thinking about that right now..._

It was at this point he realised that Connor was nowhere to be seen, and also that he had been subconsciously looking around for him, but he filed that thought away for later analysis.

“Hey Chris, you know where Connor’s gone off to?” Utilising his very limited acting skills, Kevin tried and failed to sound casual as he asked this.

“Ummm...” Chris appraised the group, the cogs in his head visibly turning as he counted them “he might have gone to the bathroom, I’ll go check he hasn’t frozen to death or something” even though Chris was physically incapable of sarcasm, Kevin still turned the same colour as his sweater as he watched the other man walk off.

God, he was pathetic.

———————————————————————

“Con?” Chris called tentatively as he stepped into the bathroom, noticing that only one stall was occupied “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine” came the unenthusiastic reply.

“Come out, you’re not leaving this bathroom until you tell me what’s up”

“Up? Why would anything be up?” Connor gave a weary smile as he stepped out of the stall to look at him. His face was blotchy and red, as if he’d been crying for a while.

“No offence, but you are a terrible liar, Con” he turned to face his reflection in the mirror before fixing his hair “also, as a rule, people who are okay don’t lock themselves in bathrooms”.

“Well, you’re a vain idiot but I still love you” Connor joined him at the mirror, splashing his face with cold water.

Chris chuckled at this, but then seemed to remember something and fixed his face into a serious expression that really didn’t suit him. “Don’t change the subject, McKinley, what’s up?”

“I... don’t know” he said pathetically, looking anywhere but at Chris. He had told him about Kevin, sure, but only a super watered down, PG-13 version of events. He couldn’t just spring it all on him now, could he?

“C’mon, you were fine earlier, what happened?”

“Kevin.” Connor said simply, swiping his hair back with a wet hand.

Chris’s face became sickeningly condescending and he gained an _Oh, boy troubles _look “I understand, I was there once, hiding and stressing about James and just look - we’re getting married in a few days”

“You do _not _understand” he probably shouldn’t be mean to Chris, he didn’t deserve it and he was the only one Connor could talk to right now, but he couldn’t even try explaining things to himself, let alone to Chris.

“Help me to understand, then... I promise not to interrupt” he sounded a bit hurt, but was too concerned with making sure Connor was okay to care.

“Okay so,” Connor started slowly, unsure whether to go back to the very beginning or just skip to the juicy bits “in Uganda, me and Kevin were very close, we got on really well and we trusted eachother with everything”

Chris was nodding along, his soft brown eyes soothing Connor into opening up.

“Well on the last night there, he- uh... knocked on my door in the middle of the night and pretty much confessed his love to me” Chris’s eyebrows raised comically “and as you know, I’d had a crush on him for forever and we both knew it was our last night of freedom so...” the pause was deafening and he wished for a moment that Chris had a slightly dirtier mind so he didn’t need to spell it out for him.

“So...?”

_“We had sex in my office, okay?” _Connor blurted out, his face flushing deeply as he awkwardly averted his eyes.

“Really? Oh my gosh I can’t believe it!” Chris had turned into a messy approximation of amusement and astonishment at this.

“Hey, you said you wouldn’t interrupt” he reminded him, and Chris mimed zipping his lips before gesturing for Connor to continue.

“The next morning, when I woke up he was just gone, no note, no nothing. I got his number off Cunningham but he would never reply to my texts or pick up my calls...” he pawed uselessly at his forehead and willed himself not to tear up “I drove myself into a hole, Chris, he was all I could think about. I was just so confused about how he could say all that stuff to me and then just disappear.” Connor animated a puff of smoke with his hand, it helped distract him from the words he heard himself saying.

“But after I moved in with you guys, I started to get over him, of course I could never forget about him if I tried but... I was recovering” he should have told Chris months ago, but if it was painful now, it would have been even worse back then. He was going to do what Kevin had never been able to do: just rip the fucking bandaid off.

“Now I’ve seen him again, it’s like I want to hate him but I really can’t” his voice cracked on the last word and Chris pulled him into a silent hug. Chris had always been good at hugs, he hugged properly, with both arms.

“I haven’t even told you the worst part” he sniffed, pulling back to look Chris in the eye “all of this time he has been low-key flirting with me, talking about painting his nails, asking whether I’m single, then he tells me he’s _straight.”_

Chris couldn’t seem to hold it in anymore “Pardon my language but straight my _ass, _have you seen him?”

“I know, I’m so pathetic, he _winked _at me so I freaked and now I’m crying in a bathroom” Connor smiled weakly and wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his blue sweater. He wasn’t one to curse, but in that moment he could see how people really needed the words to punctuate their sentences.

“I can’t believe he’d do this to you. Look, if he ever orders a diet drink, I’ll totally make sure he gets the full fat version” Chris pulled him into another hug, glad to see he’d cheered him up a bit.

“Thanks, Chris” he grinned, noticing with a pang of familiarity how Chris always held onto a hug for a beat too long. He didn’t deserve Chris - he was too sweet, he was the type who could be lured into a van with just a please or a thank you. From the moment they had been paired together in the Mission training centre, it had been Connor’s job to look after him, as if he were the little brother he never had, despite the fact Chris was three months older than him. Connor had always been overprotective of him (and in recent months vice versa) because his aforementioned kindness also made him painfully gullible, a quality only _very rarely _exploited by the other Elders when there was little entertainment about. Of course, whatever poor bastard tried to do that would have to answer to an incredibly pissed off District Leader McKinley.

Nowadays Chris had James to look after him and the pair were virtually inseparable. Connor didn’t mind at all - virtually inseparable had been the words applied to himself and Kevin once upon a time.

“Wait a second” Chris called when Connor turned to leave, placing a hand on his arm. “Answer something for me”

“What is it, Chris?”

“Do you still like Kevin?”

Wow, the amount of answers that question had was eyewatering. Connor decided to act like an uncomfortable teenager instead of an uncomfortable 22 year old and searched for a loophole.

“When you say _like-” _he tried, his words slow and thought-out.

“I mean if that night in Uganda were to happen again, would you kick his sorry ass to the curb?” Chris smiled with the thrill of cursing despite the serious subject matter - to say Chris was a perpetually open book would be an understatement.

“Uhhhh...” would he? He’d never really thought about it like that before “I guess we’ll have to see”

Who was he kidding, the part of him that still held onto any dignity concerning Kevin Price was long gone. There was no doubt in his mind about what he’d do if _that _were to happen again - he’s a man, a man who hasn’t had sex in six months, so technically it’s not desperation, it’s just biology.

“You can go, Connor, but by gosh if that isn’t the biggest cop out I’ve heard in my life...” these murmurs faded into nothing as Connor hurried out of the bathroom.   
The group had planned to have dinner in The Pointe Restaurant that was integrated with the hotel, but he really didn’t have an appetite, he just wanted to go to his room and sleep for a thousand years. Or the next seven days, either was fine. As he power walked towards the elevator, he pat down his pockets before very almost cursing loudly. In the way of the world, Connor had left his _goshdarn roomkey _with James, because of course he had.

He changed directions in the corridor to go back where he just came from, feeling like the security camera guy was probably laughing at him somewhere. He was just going to go to the restaurant, discreetly find James, then hightail it out of there and have a quiet night in. Sounds simple enough.

———————————————————————

“I’ll just have the fish”

“We’re right by the sea Arn, I’m afraid there’s a lot of fish to choose from” Nabulungi placed her hand on top of Arnold’s, an encouraging smile on her face.

It would have been romantic, a candlelit dinner by a window that offered spectacular views of the sea at dusk. Music was filling the intimate space and laughter drifted across from other tables - perfectly romantic actually, except for the fact that not only was Kevin with them, he was busy moping like a bitch.

Arnold and Naba didn’t mind, he was usually a pleasure to be around but it seems like tonight someone or something had just pissed him off beyond all efforts to make him feel better.

“All I’m saying is you’re going to have to be a bit more specific” he heard her say over Arnold’s protests. Kevin felt sorry for her, he knew firsthand how difficult Arnold could be sometimes, but it paled in comparison to how sorry he was feeling for himself.

He hadn’t anticipated how difficult this was going to be, almost like he couldn’t remember what his relationship with Connor had been like in Uganda. How Connor had been in Uganda.

Kevin felt like a recovering alcoholic having a 20 year old scotch wafted in his face, he really shouldn’t indulge but it was just so tempting... and funny... and wearing a skin-tight sweater and skinny jeans... He was determined to stay strong, he would just avoid Connor at all costs and, I don’t know, read the Book of Mormon every night or whatever.

“What about you, Kevin?” Naba’s voice broke his reverie and he blinked and looked around, slightly disoriented.

“What?” His brows furrowed.

“What do you want to eat?” Her smile was kind and faultlessly infectious, but Kevin wasn’t really in the smiling mood.

“Nah, I’m fine, not hungry...” he mumbled, his eyes fixed on the wood grain of the table “I might just go to bed” he rose out of his chair and tore his eyes up to actually look at Nabulungi, who wore the exact expression of concern he knew she’d have.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should stay here so we can make sure you’re okay” She elbowed Arnold, who had been occupied by ripping up his placemat.

“Yeah, yeah, make sure you’re okay, bud” he stammered, looking quickly from her to Kevin as if to check he had got the gist of the conversation.

“Thanks but I’ll be fine, I’ll see you guys in the morning” he called over his shoulder, already having set off across the restaurant at a hurried pace.

He counted off the checklist in his mind: it looks like a coffee, then a masturbate followed by a guilt-filled review of scripture was on the agenda for tonight.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” The wind was knocked out of Kevin as a short figure crashed into him, apologising profusely as he straightened himself up, arranging his blue sweater so it lay perfectly against his distractingly tight jeans.

“Hey Kevin, I’m so sorry” he said breathlessly. Of course, a red faced Elder McKinley was stood in front of him, his blue eyes darting about nervously.

“It’s uh- fine, sorry...” he stammered, knowing full well how stupid that sounded and how Connor was probably judging him for it.

They were stood close together - too close. Neither of them moved for a moment too long, they both just stood there, looking at the other and terminally overthinking the situation. Connor’s neck was craned all of the way back and he was almost stood on tiptoe so their height difference was less ludicrous - he wouldn’t give Kevin the satisfaction. He was in fact an average height, and ninety nine percent of the time he didn’t care, it was the one percent where he was with Kevin Price that made him self-conscious (or even vaguely _aware _of how short he was).

“Night, Connor” he gave a small smile before stepping to the side to allow him through.

“Good night, Kevin” he said it sincerely, as if he actually meant for him to have a good night, instead of just putting up with the formalities of saying it. That’s how it seemed to Kevin, in any case. Connor didn’t smile, he just nodded his head gratefully at Kevin for stepping aside and hurried onwards towards James’ table. Kevin definitely didn’t watch his ass as he walked away, instead he lingered for a moment before heading off to his room, eager to get the checklist for tonight underway...

———————————————————————

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry my lovelies, I have not been idle - the next chapters are almost done and I just need to finish them up and iron things out and then I can’t wait to share them! I hope you enjoyed - don’t forget to kudos and comment!


	3. Relax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan for the week is revealed, Connor and Kevin fall back into old ways - what could that mean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry that I haven’t updated this story in a while, but all will be revealed in the end notes!  
PS: for this chapter, the parts in italic between colons (:) are texts that Connor has sent Kevin over the last six months - he is still yet to receive a reply...

:

_Hey Kevin, it’s me, Connor - Arnold gave me your number, text me your address and I’ll pop round one afternoon x _

:

“Morning, all!” Connor sung as he entered the dining room, looking impossibly fresh and chirpy for 8AM. Early mornings were nothing new for him, they helped him feel like he actually had a handle on things, just like in Uganda. He was greeted by a chorus of groans and heys from the assembled Elders, each of them clutching their respective caffeine close to their chest.

The room was bright and spacious, and dominated by a large rectangular table, upon which had been placed an array of breakfast food that was being lazily picked at by most or else inhaled by Arnold Cunningham.

:

_Hey Kevin, it’s Connor, fancy grabbing lunch? Ik you hate fast food so do you want to go to that new sushi place? x_

:

He bounced around the table before taking a seat across from Nabulungi, with Kevin on his left and Chris on his right. The conversation seemed to be as tired and sluggish as the people having it, and Connor wanted to employ his many talents to hopefully resuscitate the room.

“You’re looking very vibrant this morning” Kevin smiled as he took a sip from his mug. Without looking, Connor knew the coffee was black with one sugar.

“I’m just so excited, this week is going to be awesome!” He swivelled round in his seat “go on Chris, tell Kevin what the plan is”

:

_Hey, Kevin, it’s Connor, you okay? I’m sure this is the right number, I checked with Arn, you know if anything’s wrong we can meet up and chat x_

:

“Okay, so today we had to choose between an archery course or a spa day, so we chose the spa”

Kevin smirked and set his mug down “Of course”

“Tomorrow our friends and family will arrive-“

“Or at least the ones we could persuade to come” James added with a sad smile from across the table.

“Yeah, and we’ll rehearse the ceremony and make sure everything will run smoothly” Chris had devolved into full wedding planner mode, there was no stopping him now, even the mention of homophobic relatives wouldn’t make him miss a beat.

“Then we have the weekend free to explore, maybe go out into Victoria or something, on Monday the hotel is arranging a walk for anyone who wants to see some of the scenery, and I thought it’d be nice if we could all go” Kevin visibly squirmed at this but said nothing “the ceremony is on Tuesday and we’re leaving for Hawaii on Wednesday”

:

_ Hey Kevin, it’s Connor, I tried that sushi place and I’m pretty sure we dodged a bullet LOL, swear I saw a rat, fancy grabbing lunch? x_

:

“Hawaii?” Kevin raised a brow “shi- I mean, wow you guys, that’s a really cool honeymoon” Connor sniggered into his coffee, which he took with copious milk and sugar (to the point where Kevin always used to tease him by gagging theatrically whenever he prepared it).

“Yeah, we were saving up for ages, this one here had to go without his daily soybean latte - we probably saved $500 just on Starbucks alone” James reached for Chris’s hand across the table and held it for a long moment before turning back to Kevin and Connor, both of them looking incredibly awkward because of the PDA they had just witnessed, not that either of them weren’t used to third wheeling.

“We’re booked in for 9:30AM at the spa, so make sure you’re ready” Chris grinned, helping himself to more eggs.

“Is it weird that I’ve never been to a spa before?” Kevin asked Connor, his black nails tapping a beat on his mug.

:

_Hey Kevin, I’m on my break, fancy lunch? x_

:

“Not at all, I’ve been about three times, the first time I actually left more stressed than when I walked in” His smile grew across his face at the memory. Sure, he could laugh about it now but back then it had been anything but funny.

“What, why?” Kevin said with a look of tentative anticipation, as if he might not actually want to know the answer to his question.

Connor lowered his voice and leaned in “Because I was naked on a table getting a massage off a frickin **bear **with oily hands” he managed before bursting into giggles, Kevin joining in incredulously.

:

_Hey Kevin, I’m starting to miss everyone, Chris is off to NYC and I don’t really know anyone else in Salt Lake City except for you and Arnold, lunch? x_  
:

“Oh my God” Kevin sighed exasperatedly, dropping his head into his hands.

“It was _not _relaxing” Connor took a sip of his drink, which was almost tepid because of the sheer quantity of milk he'd put in it.

“Let me get this straight, a bear is...”

“Big hairy guy” Connor coughed into his hand, his face flushed with the effort of not laughing.

“Okay," Kevin's eyes were wide "if that happens, I’m counting on you to rescue me”

———————————————————————

Thankfully upon Kevin's initial assessment, the spa appeared to be bear-free and actually a lot less _clinical _than he had been expecting. It had a whole mountain healing vibe which he could sort of get behind, because as long as everything was sanitary, Kevin could be in his happy place.

The lighting was warm and added a tone of depth and richness to the oak floor and panelling. The walls were cream-coloured and raw, as if the plasterer had been told to do a shoddy job in order to add ‘character’ to the building, but broken up often by windows that offered a beautiful view of the Pacific.

So far, the experience had been more therapeutic and less hands-on than Connor had described to him, so for that he was immeasurably grateful, since physical contact from complete strangers wasn’t generally his scene.

:

_Hey Kevin, how’s college? Arn tells me you’re training to become a teacher, lunch? x_  
:

"So, are they going to give us alcohol?" Kevin drummed his fingers against the armrest of the chair he had been deposited into. The lady, who was tall and had a strong French accent, told them to dress in white robes and had given them little foot baths of scented water. Kevin was yet to see the point of the whole exercise, especially since there was no alcohol.

"I think so" Connor sighed, having chosen the chair directly to Kevin's right.

"What do we do until then?" Kevin's feet sloshed about impatiently in the warm water, the beginnings of boredom beginning to fester in his mind.

Connor tilted his head to the side to give him a look that was a mix of frustration and amusement "Turn off that big brain of yours and try to, I don't know, _relax"_

Relax. Kevin could do that, right? Come to think of it, he had never really been he relaxing type, he needed constant stimulation and often grew restless and bitchy when he had nothing to do. Kevin had been that kid at school, the kid who asks for extra credit work over the summer and actually does their homework at home and not in the breaktime before it's due in. He tried to switch off his brain, but then would find himself thinking about how hard it was to not think - it was like a cruel, infinite cycle.

:

_Hey Kevin, didn’t know it was possible to be sick of coffee until I became a barista LOL (got to pay for college somehow), lunch?_  
:

"Do you want me to talk to you?” Connor asked eventually, apparently able to sense his predicament.

“Are you hoping to bore me into oblivion? Because I don’t think it’s possible for you to do that to me” he replied, shocked and a little embarrassed at his own candidness.

“Oh, tell me that after I start talking” Connor grinned, his blue eyes crinkling at the sides. They wouldn’t be the only ones making noise, since by the sounds of it, Elder Neely was playing devils advocate a few chairs down in a debate about gun control (everybody can roll their eyes in 3... 2... 1...).

“Do your worst” Kevin closed his eyes and focused on the sound of Connor’s voice.

:

_Hey Kevin, my parents are stopping my sessions with that crazy therapist guy, apparently now I’m a certified straight**TM**,what should I do?_

:

“Recently, I’ve been getting into RuPaul’s Drag Race, it’s like a reality competition for Drag Queens - they’re male performers who dress up as women by the way...” and so he continued from there, describing in minute detail everything from his favourite and least favourite queens, the ones he had seen on stage in New York, he even illustrated some of the more iconic runway looks, evidently enjoying himself a great deal as he rambled.

Kevin let himself be immersed in Connor’s monologue, paying attention to the odd ways he pronounces certain words, how his voice speeds up when he’s adding a footnote, how you can tell when he’s smiling just by listening to the way his voice brightens up. Kevin even found himself following what he was saying, making a mental note to check the show out on Netflix when he had a spare moment (or thousand), just so he would be able to talk drag queens with Connor, it would give them something in common, and Kevin thought he would really like the show if it was anything like how Connor was describing it.

“I’m torn between two but I think my favourite winner is-“

“Hey, don’t spoil it” Kevin interrupted, only just realising how tensed up he had been ten minutes ago now that he had officially melted into his chair.

:

_Hey Kevin, my sister’s dying to meet you, I’ve told her all about you and your Disney obsession ;) lunch? x_

:

“Wait, you were actually listening to any of that?” Connor looked flabbergasted, as if he had forgotten that Kevin was there “I just assumed you’d gone to sleep or something” a trace of what was almost embarrassment made its way onto his face.

“Sure, I was listening, at least now I know that I have to google Pearl” he smirked across at him.

“Oh?”

“You said he was the most attractive boy, I need to see what I’m up against”

“Up against” Connor rolled his eyes with a scoff “you really are an idiot, Kevin Price”

“So I’ve been told”

———————————————————————

“Nope, I’m not budging on this” Connor shook his head quickly, a silly smirk on his face. He had momentarily forgotten what they had just endured and a fresh wave of amusement ran through him at the sight of Kevin’s pink face mask.

“You are so wrong it’s almost sad - French is _the _sexiest accent, there’s no competition”

:

_Hey Kevin, what’s your address? I googled it and apparently the first step to take before you come out to your parents is to have a backup plan. Don’t think it’ll come to that but you never know x_

:

“There’s a load of French-speaking people in Canada, you don’t want to have sex with every one of them you lay your eyes on”

Kevin went red to his ears but narrowed his eyes playfully “Why not?”

Woah. _Backtrack, McKinley._

“British is way sexier, man, I can prove it” Connor’s smile widened. This wasn’t the sort of thing he’d usually press but_ French? _He’d take Spanish, Italian, Swedish, any day but _French?_

“Bullshit but carry on”

“Okay, just imagine: you’re on the pull” Kevin closed his eyes and pretended to think really hard, the sight making Connor crack up in the middle of his sentence “yeah, you’re looking for a one night stand and you have a choice between some garlicky French guy with sweaty pits,” Kevin’s brow furrowed and his eyes flitted open to glare at him “or Benedict Cumberbatch...”

“Mmm” he thought for a moment “Benedict Cumberbatch, but only because of the cheekbones”

Connor did a theatrical bow in his chair “I rest my case”

:

_Hey Kevin, I don’t want to be real deep all of a sudden but you’re not texting me back and I just need to clear this up RN. What was all that about in Uganda? I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m a mess - I’d rather have this conversation face to face but I’m grasping at straws here x_

:

“I’m pretty sure you made up that thing about the garlic by the way” Kevin regained his look of righteous disapproval, an expression that looked incredibly natural on his face.

“I probably did” he shrugged “I’ve never been to France”

“Oh you should, it’s amazing” Kevin looked like he did whenever he went off about Orlando, his hands gesticulating excitedly in front of him “all of the cafes and cobbled streets in Paris are so romantic, and the sunsets are just a work of art. I went to Paris when I was ten with my brother Jack, but he spent all of his time with girls so I got to properly explore.” Kevin’s eyes unfocused dreamily.

“You don’t seem like the exploring type” he commented, propping himself up on an elbow to inspect him. Kevin wasn’t exactly the poster boy for rebellion, for God’s sake, he was 22 and wearing Christmas socks as they spoke and it was mid November.

:

_Hey Kevin, where do you live? Chris is in New York, Arn and Naba don’t have enough room (and I don’t want to force myself on them) and I’m really running out of options here, Kev x_

:

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean...”

“I mean... good Mormon boys don’t explore, don’t... have fun” he said in the absence of a more accurate phrase “when did it all change?”

“I don’t know, it’s like-“ Kevin looked down at his hands, beginning to pick at his nail polish before remembering Connor and visibly chastising himself “like everyone else veered off the path but I just kept going on down it, yanno? There was nothing to distract me from becoming the perfect Mormon so I just... did”

“I heard a lot about you, before you showed up in Uganda, I mean” Connor smiled weakly “about how perfect and amazing you were and how you were going to turn things around” he felt a bit light headed, Kevin had been his idol before he even knew him and now he was sort of admitting that to the man himself. Connor remembered the morning he arrived, how he had bored Chris to tears with his incessant fangirling, perfecting his hair and relaying every single bit of information about Kevin he had been able to infer from the frustratingly vague emails from the Mission training centre.

What Kevin didn’t know couldn’t hurt him (or further embarrass Connor), but the truth was that the moment he walked through the Mission doors, and then again the first time he opened his stupid mouth, that idolatry had permanently become something a lot less holy.

:

_Hey Kevin, it’s been a while, want to catch up over lunch? x_

:

Kevin scoffed “How many times do I need to apologise for all that?” Connor couldn’t blame him, the poor guy had already been through hell and back for everything that happened in Uganda.

“Good Gosh, don't be sorry, you’re the reason I can be who I am,” he gestured over to where Chris and James were sat together, they were hand in hand and looked genuinely happy “they can be who they are, I am so grateful you gate crashed our lives like you did” Connor wasn’t sure what else to say, and slowly turned red as he mulled over his words. Had that sounded desperate? He wasn’t desperate, right?

“You’ve got to admit I was a bit of an asshole, though, don’t let nostalgia gloss over that” he smiled, arranging his perfect hair in the reflection of the window as if to prove his point.

“How could I forget?”

:

_I told my parents, they took my phone but Casey snuck it out for me, where do you live? They’re kicking me out and I can’t afford the plane to NYC, is it okay if I crash at yours for a few days?_

:

———————————————————————

Much to Chris’s delight and literally everybody else’s dismay, it had begun snowing again at around 2PM, flakes relentlessly swirling and twisting through the sky like they owned the place. Chris maintained that it looked poetic and beautiful, whilst Kevin and Connor were already figuring out the cost of replacing a rental car’s windshield.

“Well, I’d say about $300 just for the windscreen and labor” Kevin scribbled onto a notebook he had placed open between them. After having left the spa at about lunchtime suitably invigorated, they were now both dealing with the crashing exhaustion that was bound to follow.

:

_Kevin, what’s your address? I’m at the New Wave Motel and it’s nasty AF, can I please stay at yours for a few days?_

:

They were sat a polite distance apart in the hotel lobby, curled up on a brown canvas sofa which was perched before a window offering a spectacular view of the Pacific. Well, it was offering a spectacular view of fuck all at the moment because of the heavy snow.

Half an hour ago, Chris, Arnold and James had been scattered around them, lazily chatting away and describing the various properties their various face masks vowed to relay and checking constantly whether they were indeed glowing from within yet. Over time they had disappeared, _probably off to have sex since they’re in such amazing power couples _Kevin’s more cynical side thought to itself.

:

_Hey Kevin, I nearly have enough money to afford the plane ticket but I just really need to see you RN x_

:

“Hey, we’re in Canada, remember?” Connor cocked a brow and tapped down at the scribbled handwriting like he could actually make sense of it.

“You’re right, $250 then...” he amended this, replacing one incoherent scribble with another.

“Then add 20% profit”

Kevin snootily crossed out the 250 and wrote 300 yet again next to it, huffing theatrically.

:  
__  
I just want to see you, I miss you so much  
:

“What else will they get ya for?” Connor ran a hand through his golden hair and Kevin felt his eyes following it for a long moment before he tore them back to the paper.

“They like to add a 10% fuck you charge” he scribbled yet again, seeming proud of his end result.

Connor smirked down at the page “you can live with $330?” He shifted up to better see the writing, his shoulder brushing against Kevin’s momentarily.

Kevin made an odd noise, a mix between a gasp and a squeal “Yeah, well” He shot up out of his chair, noticeably flustered “let’s hope it doesn’t come to that” he closed the notebook with a _snap _before turning to leave, already halfway across the lobby.

:

_Kevin, my flight’s on Tuesday, I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I said something or did something to upset you and I really didn’t mean it, lunch? x_  
:

“28, floor 3” Connor called, making Kevin stop in his tracks and turn to look at him with a wonderfully confused expression.

“What?”

Connor looked him up and down from the sofa, trying to inject as much blind confidence into his face and voice as possible, ideally in order to make Kevin even more hot and bothered if nothing else - Connor liked to do that. He grinned.

“_My room number”_

Kevin flushed deeply, he avoided eye contact and turned on his heel, visibly anxious to get as much distance between him and his former district leader as he could.

Connor chuckled to himself, reviewing his bare nails with distaste, this week was going to be fun.

:  
__  
Hey Kevin, just boarding now. This is gonna be the last text I send you, it’s like an addiction and I need to stop it so I can move on. I’m sorry about that last night in Uganda, do I wish it had never happened? No. I don’t regret it for an instant and I’ve thought about it more than I care to admit. I’ve missed you loads and I still do, I miss your face and your hair and your stupid shit-eating grin, but I have to stop this now, my head just goes to really bad places sometimes and this isn’t helping. I’m going to stop rewriting this message now and just say that I’m sad we never had that lunch - Connor McKinley x

:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Don’t forget to kudos and comment x  
I’ve been so busy recently with rehearsals so I’ve had difficulty finding time to write. Fortunately, the show was earlier tonight (10th September) at the Bridgewater Hall so I’m all yours for the foreseeable future! I just finished editing and formatting on the long ol’ tram ride home, next chapter coming soon!


	4. Narcotic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really weird question but it’s one I’ve been dying to ask - why is Elder McKinley’s first name Connor? It’s not mentioned anywhere it the musical, but did we all just decide on it one day? If anybody knows, I’d love to find out.  
Aaaaaanyways, I really hope you enjoy this chapter, it’s taken me a bit of a while to edit it and format it but here it is - finally finished for you...

Kevin amassed a grand total of 56 seconds outside of room 28 last night, pacing, raising his hand to knock at the door then cursing, backing down and repeating the process.

He felt completely pathetic, willing himself to just bite the bullet and talk things through with Connor. His excuse (to himself) was that it had been well past eleven PM so the chances that Connor was even awake were minimal. That’s why he wasn’t knocking on, he definitely wasn’t a coward or anything.

Eventually he’d ran away, just as he had done a thousand times before, only this time it was more literal. He couldn’t do this now, he’d talk to him later - when he was at least 50% more inebriated and 10% less turned on. Even though they were getting on fine (quite a bit more than _fine, _let’s be honest) there was still an elephant in the room that Kevin was too terrified to address.

He needn’t worry though, because today of all days, he was going to leave that elephant right where it goddamn was. That morning, all of Chris and James’s family and friends who they could convince to come would arrive, so Kevin would be forced to turn on his charm and_ mingle_ (ugh), then he would have to sit through the ceremony rehearsal, all whilst keeping his hair perfect for pictures and wearing the world’s most uncomfortable suit. In conclusion, the very last thing that Kevin needed was a falling out with Connor, the only person who had the ability to make today vaguely bearable.

The day was overcast and the temperature was dancing between forty and fifty degrees, so the winter wonderland outside of the windows was starting to drip and melt away, the fir trees glistening and the road was clearing up, so at least they wouldn’t have a _Shining_ situation on their hands.

“Morning” he smiled over at Connor, who had just walked in already wearing his suit. Kevin had elected to get dressed after breakfast so he would be wearing that bitch of an outfit for as little time as possible, but now he sort of wished he wasn’t only wearing his sweatpants and hoodie.

This wasn’t just because of his enduring vanity, it was mostly because Connor looked... stunning. His navy jacket perfectly complemented his eyes and his hair was styled and textured in a way that would have made Kevin jealous if it didn’t suit him so well.

Connor did a little twirl as he made his way towards him, striking a pose and giving absolute _face _for a moment before they both cracked up.

“Oh my God, someone needs to stop you” Kevin laughed before taking a sip of his coffee. He was suddenly very aware of how he looked like a hillbilly, still in his pajamas and his hair looking like he’d just had the worst sex of his life in a broom cupboard. Reflexively, he pulled down the sleeves of his hoodie.

“I’d love to watch them try” God, at least the man was well aware of how good he looked. In Kevin’s mind, Connor wasn’t vain, because anybody deserved to act the way he did when they looked like that.

Kevin pulled out the seat next to him “If you’d care to have breakfast with us mortals”

“I’m glad to hear you think I’m angelic” Connor smirked sarcastically and helped himself to some eggs.

“Or _devilish” _he muttered, and he was almost certain that Connor heard him, even if he masked his reaction well “I’ll just make your disgusting excuse for coffee, then” Kevin said at normal volume, busying himself by adding way too much milk and sugar to a half-empty mug of coffee, which he then passed to Connor.

He took a sip gratefully, his eyes fixing oddly on his plate after he put the drink down.

“How is it?” Kevin smiled, sipping at his much stronger coffee.

“Perfect” he muttered bitterly, picking at his silver cuff links with soft fingers.

“How? It looks actually_ revolting_ \- and I don’t just throw that word around, Con”

Connor seemed to remember himself and grinned “It’s actually good, you’d know that if you bothered to give it a try” This felt nice, bickering over coffee just like they used to in Uganda, at this point it was more of a running joke than an actual dispute.

“I’m not being whisked away by poison control, not until I’ve at least had a shave - The people at the morgue will think I’m a hobo” he pawed at his stubble in the reflection of a spoon.

Connor threw his head back and belly laughed, and the sound was warm and oddly cute “For someone so smart, you know how to act like a proper idiot sometimes”

Kevin felt his face go hot at the disguised compliment, even if it had been directly followed by an insult. “Should I say thank you?”

“It depends on whether you ever want me to call you smart again” Connor smirked and checked out his own reflection in the spoon, not that he needed to, he looked frustratingly perfect.

“In about...” Kevin checked his watch “thirty minutes, I should hope we can add sexy to that as well” he stood up, walked behind Connor’s chair and placed a hand gently on each of his shoulders.

“I look forward to it” Connor sounded out of breath and didn’t meet Kevin’s eyes.

“Enjoy your gross drink, Con” Kevin said quietly, before he swiped away a golden hair that had fallen onto Connor’s jacket - the one thing about him that wasn’t perfect - and took off out of the door, leaving behind a Connor McKinley who was beginning to wonder if 9AM is too early for alcohol.

———————————————————————

“The phrase head over heels springs to mind” James commented dryly, picking at his nails.

“Head over-?!”

“He’s right, Con, you guys aren’t even trying to be subtle” Chris straightened his tie in the mirror and gave Connor a look out of the side of his eye.

Connor shot up off the bed and began pacing around the bedroom nervously “What do you mean subtle? What are we doing exactly?”

“Oh come on,” James’s green eyes followed him as he went, full of exasperation “I know how sexy you look in a suit but you weren’t half giving him a show at breakfast”

“I second that” Chris called from the bathroom, not specifying whether he agreed that Connor looked sexy or that he was apparently ‘head over heels’ for Kevin Price. Which he was absolutely not. Definitely.

“And the other day you freaked out on Chris because he was flirting with you” he pointed out, succeeding in further frustrating Connor with his stupid facts.

“Even if I did... like him” he spoke slowly, thinking about how his words would come across “Would you suggest I... do anything about that?”

“No way” James shook his head ferverently “he broke your heart, remember?”

Chris appeared at the bathroom door, his eyes uncharacteristically grave “We’re only being civil to that asshole because you told us to. Don’t forget what you were like two months ago, we thought we’d have to get you hospitalised...”

Their words were true, painfully so, but Connor didn’t like to think back to that point of his life. It was the lowest he’d ever been - his family had kicked him out, he was staying at a grotty motel in Utah, he was holding down three jobs to afford the flight to New York, he wasn’t eating... and Kevin hadn’t been there for him. Connor texted him and texted him, called him and gave Arnold messages to pass on, and nothing, not a word. He knew Kevin had read the messages, had received the calls, had spoken to Arnold, but he had ignored them all.

Connor told himself to remember this frustration, this hurt, and use it to protect himself, but his defences always melted away the second he laid eyes on Kevin. It was pathetic, he should have enough self-respect to refrain from succumbing to his charms, but he didn’t even pretend to have any dignity around Kevin Price whatsoever, and by God, he didn’t care. He liked it.

“I know, I...” Connor dropped his eyes to his feet, blinking rapidly “I’ll be careful”

“Oh, Con...” Chris enveloped him in a bear hug which he held onto for a moment too long “we just want you to be happy, if we knew you’d get like this, we would have never invited him.”

Was that supposed to make him feel better?

After Chris finally let him go, James went in for a hug and rested his head close to Connor’s ear. “Do you want him?” James whispered furtively.

Connor gave a small nod “Yeah”

“Then go get him, Con” he smiled, patting his back before pulling away. They shared a knowing look before facing Chris, whose naive grin reassured them that he hadn’t a clue that something had just passed between them.

“It’s your wedding, let’s get on with it and I’ll shut up about my boy problems”

Connor was glad that James was on his side, he wasn’t as blinded by concern as Chris was, and that thought calmed him down somewhat. That calm lasted for approximately the next sixty seconds, or else the time it took for them to leave Chris and James’s room and get to the lobby, where Connor quickly caught sight of Kevin, since he could generally be counted on to be a few inches taller than the general public. Chris and James gave eachother a meaningful look before chasing after their respective siblings, leaving Connor alone with... Kevin.

He wore a dark suit, classic but not boring, with a tie and black shirt. He looked so perfectly suave and classy, you sort of expected him to whistle and call for a martini, shaken not stirred.

“Hey, Connor” he breathed, his dark eyes drinking him in again. Connor’s heart was hammering so quickly he thought people might be able to hear it. It wasn’t his fault that Kevin looked like a Hell Dream on legs, was it?

_Speak, McKinley, you got this_ “Wow...” _Why the fudge did you say that? You’re such an idiot._

“Do I look okay? Arnold said I look like I’m going to a funeral and Naba thinks I’ll burst into flames when I step into the sun” Kevin chuckled weakly “so I’m not overly confident”

“Okay?! You look...” he searched for a word, one that conveyed exactly how very sexy he looked without sounding too flirtatious “...hot”

Kevin flushed pink and looked him up and down again “Have I already said you look great?”

“I’m afraid so...” he turned red as well, and was starting to see where Chris and James were coming from - just look at the pair of them, complimenting and embarrassing eachother like schoolchildren.

Connor didn’t know what to do, this was like a Matrix logic trick. Kevin was just so gorgeous and nice and funny, he made Connor’s coffee better than he could ever make it himself. And by God, this outfit was a step too far - Connor wanted to have him right here, right now and kiss him until his lips were swollen and bruised.

It would be amazing, it would feel amazing, but it would be so wrong, he would be letting himself down and disregarding all of the progress he’s made in the last couple months at getting over this attractive, so very tall man. He couldn’t just throw all that away for a cheap thrill - or at least that’s what he kept telling himself, anyway.

———————————————————————

The hall they had rented was admittedly beautiful, with windows that extended all the way up to the vaulted ceiling. It had a whole warm lighting and raw wood thing going on, which was echoed in the decor throughout the hotel, and gave it an earthy feel that matched perfectly with their green and bronze colour scheme.

The floor was expansive and dark, but mostly obscured by ten circular tables. Each one seated six and had an intricate floral centrepiece that looked eyewateringly expensive (but hey, Chris had gone without his soybean latte, he had better expect the best).

People were sat together in small groups, chatting and passing the time as things were arranged and practiced at the altar. As beautiful, amazing and totally wonderful everything was, Kevin didn’t think he’d ever been more bored. He didn’t have any role in the ceremony, which he had initially been glad about, but after two full hours of sitting next to Chris’s highly opinionated grandmother, he thought he would rather be a flower girl. At least then he would be able to talk with Arnold or Connor, who were both stood up at the front with the minister.

“I’m just saying” she grumbled in her deep southern accent, and Kevin braced himself for whatever shining example of racism, homophobia or right-wing propaganda he would be in for next “I’ve got no problem with queers,” homophobia, then.

Kevin flinched at the word and nodded, biting his tongue because even he was too polite to lose his temper with a ninety year old.

“But it’s just the way they” she gestured around the room, at where Chris and James were discussing something with the minister “_rub it in our faces_\- they’re absolutely everywhere these days”

Unable to verbalise his many sentiments towards this repellent old lady, Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned “Uh-huh”

“What are you two talking about?” Connor sung and dropped into the seat to Kevin’s left out of nowhere.

“Connor...” he breathed, he didn’t think he’d ever been happier to see him.

“Just talking ‘bout queers” she said matter-of-factly, making Connor chew on his lip in the way he did when he was trying not to smile, and Kevin felt his face grow warm.

“Oh yes?” Connor smirked, his eyes flitting to Kevin’s expression that clearly said _good God get me out of here._

Chris’s grandmother nodded and appraised Connor icily “They’re everywhere, aren’t they? Even getting married these days... You’re one of ‘em, I can tell these things” she jabbed a thumb at Kevin “you _and _this one”

Connor was overcome by a coughing fit that sounded an awful lot like laughter and Kevin began to splutter incoherently.

“Oh, I- I’m not-“

“I am” Connor grinned across at her, skipping over Kevin’s denial for the time being “but I think they might kick me out - I missed the gay agenda meeting last week and-“ He yelped as Kevin grabbed him by the hand and dragged him away to another table.

“What gives? I was quite enjoying that” Connor’s smile widened as he took in Kevin’s expression, an odd mix of amusement and frustration, but mostly relief.

“You have no idea, McKinley” he dropped his head into his hands, letting go of Connor’s and sighing deeply.

“It can’t have been that bad, surely” Connor took a large gulp out of a wine glass that wasn’t his and passed it to Kevin, who readily drained the rest of it “Easy, tiger” Connor muttered.

Kevin shuddered and replaced the glass on the table “Two hours sat talking with a ninety year old lady whose political views haven’t changed since the forties - my God, she’s everythingist and everythingphobic”

“I bet you’re glad that I was there to rescue you”

“Thank you so much” he lifted his head to smile at him “I really didn’t want to have to slap a granny”

They both descended into giggles and Connor hit him across the shoulder. Kevin noticed how they were touching more and more recently, regaining their confidence and becoming comfortable around eachother, well, comfortable enough for Kevin to have literally just_ held his hand, _even if it was only for about five seconds. Just last night, he had freaked out when Connor brushed up against him on the couch, which made no sense whatsoever - in Uganda it was common for them to be seen almost on top of eachother, and of course Connor loved to hug absolutely anybody, but it had always been Kevin the most.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, but couldn’t deny that his heart literally stopped whenever they made contact.

“You can’t say that, she’s ninety years old” Connor giggled, his eyes were crinkled at the sides in the way that Kevin found adorable, his cheeks were flushed with laughter.

“Okay,” he smirked “Go up to her and say the word ‘Mexico’. Come back to me in five minutes and I think you’ll see where I’m coming from”

Connor wiped his eyes on his sleeve and sighed “I think I got a lifetime’s worth of that... rubbish at home”

“Same” Kevin reached over the table for the half empty wine bottle that sat in the centre “and you can say the word ‘shit’ by the way, I promise I won’t tell anyone” he smirked and took a swig straight from the bottle.

Connor gasped and grabbed it, an unconvincing look of disapproval on his face “_Kevin Price,_ were you raised in a barn? We’re at a wedding, remember?”

“Number one:” Kevin smirked “you just changed the subject, and Number two: we’re technically at a wedding_ rehearsal.”_

“Kevin and his semantics police, you’re still being _frightfully uncouth” _Connor rolled his eyes, a reluctant smile growing across his face despite himself.

Kevin extended the bottle towards him “Do you want some?”

“Good God, yes”

———————————————————————

Connor didn’t want to let the steady drag of exhaustion ruin his mood, he had been on his feet nearly all day and didn’t have anywhere near enough coffee at breakfast to compensate. All of the speeches, the smiling, the family members, they had really drained him. But despite all this, he could genuinely say he was happy, in a pleasant, not delirious way. He remembered this feeling.

Kevin had stuck around him for the rest of the rehearsal and his presence suddenly made the proceedings vaguely bearable and a whole lot funnier. Connor had never known anyone to be as quick as Kevin, who had always struck him as the ‘using humour as a defence mechanism’ kind of guy. To be fair, he could be_ really _funny sometimes with his perfect timing and dark humour. As much as Connor enjoyed staying with Chris and James, every now and then you just need a cynical observation or dry remark to keep you sane (and neither of them were really the type).

James didn’t mind Kevin standing there and doing nothing because he was too glad to see Connor when he was like this, at home it was a rare treat to see him properly smiling, to have the expression fully reach his eyes. Now, it was like he couldn’t stop. He wondered if Kevin could see the way Connor lit up whenever they were together, the way that ball of anxiety is unravelled in his presence.

Probably not, James reasoned, because he hadn’t had a taste of what Connor was like when he first moved to New York. He was pale, unkempt, almost catatonic, he didn’t sleep and hardly ate - it wasn’t like Kevin had left him, it was as if Kevin had died.

He could only hope that Kevin had seen sense. By God, James would fly to Utah and slap Kevin in the face himself if he broke Connor’s heart again. Despite these reservations, he sort of wanted them to bite the bullet and get together already, since the incessant flirting was really beginning to grate.

“I’m thinking blue... but I’ll need a second opinion” Connor held up both flowers, a blue one and a purple one and weighed them up against Chris’s navy suit “Kevin” he spun around and discarded the flowers, his eyes quickly finding the tallest person in the room.

“Two months? C’mon they have a year at lea-“ Kevin’s conversation was cut off by Connor tugging at his arm playfully.

“I need your help, you can talk later” he smiled, dragging him over to Chris at the altar and ignoring his half-hearted protests.

“What is it?”

Connor raised a finger to Chris’s lapel, looking between the pair of them as if it should be obvious.

“Just look at it” Connor’s nose wrinkled.

Kevin squinted at it sarcastically and shifted his head around to look at absolutely nothing from different angles “Yeah?”

“It’s _bare _and it’s _boring,” _he said exasperatedly “it makes me want to_ puke”_ Chris rolled his eyes and looked thoroughly fed up, having been tweaked and fussed over by his best man for ten solid minutes now.

“Okaayyyy” Kevin said slowly, a smile growing across his face at Connor’s passion.

“So,” Connor plucked two flowers from a nearby bouquet arrangement “Blue or purple?”

“I’m _really _the wrong person to ask” he backed off, shaking his head.

“Get back here, you aren’t giving yourself enough credit, you’re good at constructing a _look”_ Connor smirked “also, if I spend one more minute stressing over flowers, I will literally go insane”

Kevin chuckled, taking the flowers from him with theatrical sass. Connor noticed that he liked doing that, putting on a show and making people laugh.

“Blue” he said at last, decisively lobbing the purple one over his shoulder “It matches his eyes better”

“Does this mean I can go? I think we’re gonna call it a day” Chris gave a heavy sigh of relief, already starting to shuffle towards James.

“One second!” Connor hurried towards him and pinned the flower to his lapel “Okay, you’re free to go, Thomas” Chris nodded his thanks and was gone, leaving Kevin and Connor alone at the altar. Neither of them acknowledged the symbolism of this, the visual that Arnold was silently freaking out about from down the aisle.

“Want a drink?” Kevin asked tentatively, as if there were actually a chance that Connor would decline.

“I’d love one” he met Kevin’s eyes, a gentle shyness there that he had never seen before. Kevin was never shy, he told it how it was, he took center stage - Connor sort of liked the thought that he was the one person who could make him like this, though he couldn’t say why exactly.

Together, they walked in companionable silence to the hotel bar, a retro affair complete with exposed brick and filament lightbulbs which gave everything a golden tinge. They took a seat at the counter, both of them oblivious to the fact that they were surrounded by couples.

They loosened their ties almost immediately after they sat down, and Kevin removed his jacket with a groan.

“Just think - that all over again on Tuesday...” Kevin tousled his hair with a free hand, a pained expression on his face.

“Can’t wait” Connor rolled his eyes “I’ve never really understood the whole point of weddings”

“Me neither, they’re just photo ops but with cake” Kevin caught the attention of the barman, a small smile growing across his face as he noticed Connor chuckling at his comment. “a glass of Merlot and...” he turned to Connor expectantly.

He gulped, sure he’d gotten drunk before, but that had always been at some gay bar in New York that had an entire menu dedicated to margaritas, he wasn’t really sure what_ straight people _had to drink (for lack of a more accurate term).

“I’ll have a white wine” he said with too much conviction, beginning to think that he should have been a bit more specific.

“And a Sauvignon Blanc, no actually-” he thought for a moment “a Moscato for my friend, here” Kevin flashed his most charming smile at the bartender and handed over a note.

“I can pay for my own drinks, Kevin Price” Connor smirked, slightly jealous and a bit lightheaded from the secondary effects of Kevin’s smile.

Kevin turned to look at him, a wistful grin on his face “In New York, I bet guys are queuing around the block to pay for your drinks, McKinley”

Connor felt his face grow warm, glad that the amber glow of the bar would conceal the worst of it from Kevin - Kevin who had paid for him, who had saved him from so many awkward conversations earlier, who had done nothing but defend Chris and James despite everything that had happened.

“Hey, I might be a prettyboy, but I’m not easy”

Kevin raised his brows “Oh?”

Just in time to save Connor from literally dying, their drinks arrived and he took an experimental sip of his wine. It was no margarita, but it was nice and sweet, and less harsh than he had been expecting.

“I hope I picked well” Kevin sipped at his own drink before placing the glass back down onto the counter.

Connor smiled shyly and put his drink down “It’s really good...”

Kevin laughed, his hand reflexively returning to paw at his dark hair. Connor thought he looked like someone from a perfume commercial, the way that his suit was fashionably disheveled, the red wine that stained his lips, he just had a gift of looking like a model in a photo shoot without really trying.

“I’m sort of looking forward to Tuesday, you know” Connor had another mouthful of wine. He would need it, because he was determined not to wimp out of this conversation.

“How come? Can’t wait for the little old ladies to have a good bitch about the queers?” He chuckled darkly.

“I’ll get to see you in a suit again” Connor replied simply, trying to not let his eyes betray a hint of emotion. Kevin looked at him curiously for a moment, then deliberately reached a hand forward to rest on his knee. Connor’s breath caught in his throat but he didn’t move. His hand was warm.

“You’re not the only one who gets a show, Con...”

“I’m not?” He breathed, more than a little flustered.

Kevin’s hand began to move slowly upwards as he leaned closer, his dark eyes fixed onto his face. He was close now, very close, and alarm bells were going off in Connor’s head, but he was too captivated by his proximity to care.

“I don’t know what it is about you,” Kevin whispered, taking a deep breath before continuing “whether it’s your smile, your voice,” he dipped his head so that his lips were millimetres away from Connor’s neck “_the way your heart beats when I do this...” _he began to kiss delicately at his neck. Sure enough, Connor’s pulse grew rapid at his confidence, his proximity. He wasn’t planning on making him stop any time soon.

He felt his eyes drift shut at the sensation, slow but deliberate, soft but sincere. His breath was ragged and quick, and his own hands were itching to wander.

“What are you saying?”

Kevin pulled back to look at him, and he was terrified that he’d said the wrong thing. However the expression on Kevin’s face drove all doubt from his mind.

“There’s just something about you that makes me wanna kiss you. Like, all the time”

Connor couldn’t help himself, he was too helplessly intoxicated, too far gone. He could feel all hesitation, all reservations melting away beneath those dark eyes. He lifted a hand to Kevin’s face, cupping his sharp jaw and angled it downwards “Kiss me...” a weak smile played on his lips “please...” he added in a breathy whisper.

With a shaky breath, a glance up and down, he did.

Connor eagerly kissed back, their tongues clashed together messily as they took eachother in. It had been such a long, long time and they could both tell how much the other had longed for this. He moaned softly as a hand buried into his hair and tugged on it._ Good, _he thought, _at least he remembers something. _Connor placed a hand on Kevin’s waist, drawing him in closer so that they were almost sat flush together.

Kevin was the first one to pull away, but only to give them a moment to catch their breath before he brought his lips to Connor’s neck again, this time far more confident in his ministrations.

Connor found himself gasping for air, his arms were wrapped around Kevin’s shoulders and his eyes were tightly shut. He wanted Kevin, wanted him more than he had ever done. He wanted to take him back to his room right now, he wanted to have him for so much longer than a week...

“No.” Connor breathed, coming to his senses before it was too late. He shot up out of his chair and busied himself flattening the parts of his hair that Kevin had pulled, his heart still racing. It was embarrassing but he could have whined at the absence of his lips - it had felt absolutely perfect.

“What, why?” Kevin replied, his expression shocked but still managing to look like sex incarnate, so Connor averted his eyes in order to regain the ability to speak.

“I can’t do this-“

“Why not?” His voice was longing and altogether far too persuasive.

Connor closed his eyes for a second, allowing the anger and hurt to bubble to the surface, all of the confusion and uncertainty. He couldn’t let his heart be broken by this man again, because that’s surely what would happen - he knew that this story would end with Kevin disappearing yet again, leaving Connor to pick up the broken pieces of his life.

It didn’t matter how attractive or funny or smart he was, all Kevin did was cause him pain and Connor wasn’t a masochist, not anymore.

The only problem was how to translate these sentiments into words.

“Because I’m not just your cheap** fuck**, Kevin Price!” That would do it.

A tiny part of his brain realised that it was the first time he’d properly sworn and he sort of liked it. The silence following this declaration was deafening.

Kevin looked taken aback and opened his mouth to calm him down, Connor didn’t want to let him because he knew that he’d succeed.

“I’m sick of all these mixed signals” Connor couldn’t remember the last time he’d lost his composure like this, but he didn’t think he’d even felt this frustrated when he came out. You couldn’t blame him, this was the culmination of six months of Hell and three days of on and off bullshit from Kevin Price. People were starting to look but he didn’t care.

“You can’t just fuck me in Uganda and then pretend I don’t exist! You can’t just kiss me and... and flirt with me for days and then tell everybody you’re straight! If you want me, man up and admit that you’re not straight, because believe me, a straight guy wouldn’t do..._ that_”

Kevin seemed to have recovered enough to speak “But I am straight”

“Well, you’re the only straight guy I know who likes fucking men!” It was a harsh statement, and he spat it out like venom, but it was because he didn’t believe Kevin actually had the audacity to say that.

“I don’t-“

“You don’t like fucking guys? Well what the fuck was Uganda all about, Kevin? You just wanted to use me and dispose of me like I was a piece of trash, and now I’m back so you get to do it all over again!” His eyes were beginning to water, because for some cruel reason, his anger had always been hardwired to his tearducts.

“What the fuck do you think makes you so special?” Kevin’s voice was rising in volume and his patience had long since worn thin at Connor’s accusatory tirade.

“I don’t know, maybe the fact that you slobber over me whenever you think I’m not looking, it’s pathetic” his voice cracked, and he was frustrated that he couldn’t deliver these blows with the acid that he wanted to.

“Fuck you, Connor, you know you like the attention”

He was completely and irrevocably correct and he knew it, but Connor wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. He decided to change the subject.

“You can’t keep messing with my head, you can _have me _if you want me or you can walk away, but I can’t be with someone who is just going to fuck off back to Utah”

“I didn’t hear you complaining in Uganda” he took a step closer and his height made Connor feel diminutive, powerless and sort of turned on “and you _properly _kissed me a minute ago, just admit that you want me”

“That’s only because I’m weak and you always know exactly what to do” he breathed.

“Why won’t you trust me? Why can’t you believe that I won’t leave you?” Kevin ran a hand through his hair and his voice was despairing. The words looked like they were hurting him, his eyes were dark and almost pleading.

“Six months, Kevin” Connor’s anger was losing momentum and tears were now streaming down his face “six _fucking _months, that’s why. I actually grew a pair and came out to my parents, they kicked me out so I had to stay in this shitty motel for two weeks” his voice was almost a monotonous whisper now, but Kevin needed to hear this, he needed to know what his absence had done to Connor.

“I wanted to fucking die, I had no one, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I just worked and worked and earned enough money to fly to New York.” He met Kevin’s eyes, his own full of emotion

“I tried to text you and call you, for God’s sake, you were all I could think about... I loved you Kevin, I really did. Sometimes-“ he took a shaky breath “sometimes I still think about what might have been.” he reached up on tiptoe and kissed a numb Kevin on the cheek, lingering for a moment.

“Think about that” Connor turned around and walked out without looking back, sobs already wracking through him and he hadn’t even made it out of the bar.

Five minutes later he slammed the door to his room shut and leant back against it, dropping to the floor as tears soaked through his shirt. It had been so perfect, he’d had Kevin Price in the palm of his hand and he threw him away. He could taste the red wine on his tongue, and still felt the heat of Kevin’s lips against his own.

_It had to be done _he kept saying to himself, _you had to do that. _Kevin couldn’t just play with his emotions like that, I mean, he’d spent all day telling everyone he was straight and then he stuck his tongue down his throat the moment he got a chance. It had been heavenly, like floating on clouds of euphoria where the only person who existed was _Kevin. _It was the first time in six months that he felt truly alive, as if he had just opened his eyes, properly opened them. 

Connor had once done a project on the prevalence of narcotics on New York streets, his task was to write an article on the devastating effects of drugs to try and make a change. Never before had he been able to sympathise with these people, these addicts who are so reliant upon substances. Now however, he could begin to understand.

You see, Kevin was Connor’s narcotic - he was intoxicating, poisonous, able to make him feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And yet he couldn’t help but come back for more.

He didn’t bother getting dressed for bed, he didn’t even hang his suit up, his clothes just stayed where they fell, crumpled and creased on the floor. Connor despised this haphazard approach to tidying - it reminded him too much of how he used to be, what he was like before he escaped to New York. He didn’t give a shit then and he didn’t give a shit now.

Maybe this was his destiny, to fall for Kevin Price and get his heart repeatedly broken. Hey, who was Connor to interfere with destiny?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to have this whole “sorry, not sorry” thing going on but who am I kidding - this chapter pisses me off as well. Don’t worry my darlings, we’ve got six more chapters where all sorts of things can happen...  
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed - don’t forget to kudos and comment!! x


	5. The One Where They Flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I have no excuse for there being nearly a month between updates except I’ve really been through the shit as far as writers’ block is concerned. About two weeks ago I found myself with a 9k chapter that I could have posted if I really wanted to, but it was awful in every way. Instead I rewrote the entire thing and this chapter stands at about 10k words which I am much happier giving to you (it’s still not perfect, but it’s as good as it’s gonna get). I hope you enjoy and may the curse of writers’ block fuck off to the very spookiest of Hell Dreams x  
PS: All parts in italic occur in May - my headcanon for when District Nine leave Uganda - whilst the rest of this chapter is set in November in Canada

_Elder McKinley was hunched over at his desk, a sight that was hardly a deviation from the ordinary if it weren’t for the icy tint to his skin, the disheveled mass of clothing that passed for his uniform and the dark circles that were the manifestation of nineteen solid hours without sleep. In his exhausted stupor he was idly finishing up the Elders’ paperwork for their flights back tomorrow, the subtle scratching of his pen the only thing breaking the dead silence that hung over the Mission like a smog._

_He had intended to do it in the morning, told himself that a full night’s sleep would do him good. In the way of the world, his insomnia had chosen tonight of all nights to rear it’s ugly head, leaving him tossing and turning (or as much as one can physically toss and turn in the narrow Mission beds), sweating and thinking._

_Eventually he realised he might as well try to shift some paperwork rather than lie there twiddling his thumbs, and to be fair, it was probably so late it was technically morning at this point. Due to the fact that Elder McKinley had been tasked with booking the flights and not someone who would actually know what they were doing like, I don’t know, **Elder Price**, he had been unable to get them all on the same flight or even the same airline, and so their perfectly organised schedule left a little to be desired._

_The Elders had been unable to come up with a method to decide who was getting what flight more judicial or sophisticated than the most hardcore, balls to the wall ping pong tournament in world history._

_Due to Elder Cunningham’s perfect storm of clumsiness and an amazing lack of spacial awareness, Elder Price got the short straw (and a black eye) and had reluctantly conceded to catch the bus at four in the morning with his Mission Companion for the early flight. Connor and Elder Thomas fared slightly better and managed to bag the afternoon flight completely injury-free, and Elders Shrader, Church, Neely and Davis were on the late one. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but as long as they all got to Salt Lake City in one piece, their District Leader counted it as a win._

_Elder McKinley checked his watch, it was already 1AM and he didn’t feel like sleeping at all, he was instead beginning to think about all the things he’d miss about Uganda. He had to admit he’d grown quite attached in the two years they had spent there together. The safari ants, the warlords and the AIDS could stay right where they were, but he wished he could just pack the sunsets up and take them back home with him, along with local cuisine, the music they would all make together in the center of the village, the close quarters he shared with the other Elders._

_That was probably what he would miss the most - having a family around him all the time, there to laugh at your jokes and point out when you were being stupid, Connor couldn’t imagine his life without them anymore, he would miss Arnold’s confusing stories, Poptarts’ childish wonder, the philosophical debates that Elder Neely loved to start over dinner, Kevin’s odd little habits and gestures that Connor paid far too much attention to. The most notable one (and the one the Elders loved to bully him the most about) was the fact that he could invariably be counted upon to have a pen somewhere on his person, and Elders Church and Davis regularly amused themselves over the weekend by covertly taking his pens and taping them up in progressively absurd places. The highlights included the top of the Christmas tree, a wasps’ nest in the shed and the porcelain figure of the Madonna they kept on the windowsill, which they still maintained was **not **blasphemy._

_It would just be weird going back to his conservative Mormon folks back in the states, in a house where gay meant happy and Connor was miserable - it meant he would be forced to turn it off all over again and go back to his weekly sessions with that God awful ‘therapist’. Well, his mom and dad called him a therapist, everybody else preferred the term ‘homophobic religious zealot’ but everything was subjective in the McKinley household._

_In truth, he was dreading going back, he had made a life out here with people who accepted him for who he was and then for all of his progress towards becoming a well-rounded adult to be trampled by none other than his own family, he wasn’t looking forward to it. Of course he would come out to them eventually, he just needed time to figure things out for himself, I mean, he’d never had sex and had only made a pass at one boy, and that was an embarrassingly messy endeavour in fifth grade so he thought it hardly counted - maybe a part of him was keeping up the hope that one day he would kiss a guy and suddenly realise he was straight all along, a tiny, inconsequential part in the back of his mind but one that persisted nevertheless. It was probably the only reason he hadn’t bitch slapped that therapist years ago._

_Connor ran a hand through his hair, thinking far too hard about whether he should just give up the ghost and have a black coffee, it was pointless trying to get to sleep so he might as well try to stay up. He would even be able to say goodbye to Elder Price and Elder Cunningham. He had just decided to get up and clatter his way to the kitchen in the dark when he heard something very quiet in the silence._

_It was coming from just outside his door, an almost imperceptibly audible sniffling. Connor was unsure if he should be concerned or terrified, and had just realised it was the latter when suddenly there was a knock at the door, the sound muted so as to not wake anyone but rapt and businesslike. In this place there was only one person that knock could belong to._

_Sure enough, when he sprung up to open the door, Connor was met with a tearful Kevin Price stood in the corridor in full Elder attire. Judging by the weary look in his eyes, they were both probably running on the same tiny amount of sleep. Connor was nearly knocked off his feet by the fierceness of the embrace he was greeted with. He stumbled a few steps backward, catching the crying Elder in his arms._

_“Elder Price, are you okay?” Connor returned the hug for a long moment before depositing him into a seat and closing the door. This was his time to shine - shoulder to cry on was literally part of his job description._

_“N- not Elder Price, my name’s Kevin” he sniffed with a small smile and pushed his hair out of his eyes “and no, I’m really not okay...”_

_Connor dragged his chair round the desk and sat down so his knees almost touched Kevin’s “What’s wrong? Tell me what it is, I’ll make it go away” he placed a hand on top of the other man’s and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Price’s eyes were cute and puffy with tears and Connor was having a difficult time concentrating on his words all of a sudden._

_“No,” Kevin scoffed, a wry smile on his face as his eyes fixed on the dusty floor. “I don’t think making it go away will help...”_

_“What should I do? I don’t want you to cry, tell me what to do” Connor said helplessly, handing Kevin a tissue from the box that sat on his desk, which he wiped his eyes with quickly and discarded._

_Connor hated seeing him like this, Kevin didn’t cry, he was always so strong and comforting, always there to listen to silly worries and anxieties - he was the only person who could consistently be counted upon to cheer Connor up. He knew that something must be seriously wrong for Kevin to cry like this, something that Connor was determined to fix if it was the last thing he did, anything to see him smile again before he disappeared off to Utah._

_Kevin shot up out of his chair and turned to face Connor’s bookshelf blankly, a hand running through his hair nervously and his pink cheeks glistening “I’m so sorry for doing this now but if I don’t then I’ll never forgive myself” he was overcome with a fresh wave of tears and angled himself away from the other Elder “I- I want...” he choked out, gasping when Connor appeared beside him, a warm hand finding his own in the dim glow of the moon, which threw Kevin’s face into sharp relief, his cheekbones became more pronounced and his cheeks more hollow._

_“What do you want, Kevin?” Connor said quietly, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into his wrist. Kevin wasn’t good with words, he wasn’t persuasive like Arnold or charismatic like Connor. He was just that white guy in the background who hadn’t a clue how to eloquently put what he **needed **to say like he **needed** air to breathe. For the sake of his sanity, he had to get something off his chest before he likely never got to see the other Elder again._

_Kevin looked painfully conflicted for a moment, his brow creasing and straightening out as if he were in physical pain. He mouthed something imperceptible and blinked for a few long seconds, then he turned with a new determination in his eyes and leaned in, his sudden proximity making Connor dizzy, their noses almost touched as watery dark eyes gazed sincerely into blue._

_The word came out as a sob, full of years of repression and pain, of pretending and holding back. Connor could understand it perfectly._

_**“You”** _

—————————————————————————  
**  
“But I am straight”**

**“Fuck you, Connor, you know you like the attention”**

**“Why won’t you trust me? Why can’t you believe that I won’t leave you?”**

It was probably that last one that hurt the most, just because of the look on Kevin’s face when he said it. He hadn’t been angry or vindictive, just... sad, pleading.

It hadn’t been ‘why _can’t _you trust me’ or ‘why _don’t _you trust me’, he had said _won’t. _What did that mean, was it significant? In his over-exhausted and overly emotional state, Connor concluded that it must be and continued to dissect his argument with Kevin.

Connor couldn’t believe that after all this time, after everything they’d been through, Kevin could possibly look him in the eye and say that he was straight. You couldn’t make it up. He had initiated everything in their relationship so far, it had been Kevin to knock on his door all that time ago, Kevin who had kissed him last night. Connor almost felt embarrassed at how pathetic that sounded.

However he had kissed him on the cheek, so that was something. He wasn’t sure why, it didn’t seem right to just storm off and give him a clean break, no - Kevin deserved much worse than that. It had been nice though, his skin was warm and Connor had lingered for a moment longer than he should have done but he didn’t care, all the better to fuck Kevin up in the head.

A shy knock on the door broke through Connor’s reverie and filled him with dread for a long second before he realised that couldn’t possibly be Kevin - he was more of a_ rat-a-tat-tat _sort of person.

“Connor?” It was Chris’s voice, he sounded tentatively concerned.

There was another knock, this time louder.

“It’s past lunchtime, Con, we’re worried about you” Connor pulled the sheets further over his head and sunk into the mattress. He wasn’t in the mood for Chris’s sunny optimism right now, he much preferred the sound of wallowing in self pity instead.

“Go away, I’m miserable” he called out, his voice muffled by the sheet.

The knocking was getting insistent now, the steady beat resonating through Connor’s skull. He was still a bit... delicate after the bottle and a half of wine he’d managed over the course of yesterday “Open this door, McKinley” Chris could get very... enthusiastic when he sensed that someone needed his help.

“Ugh...” Connor lowered the covers over his face and pulled a T-shirt on beneath the sheets. “Quit pretending like you don’t have my room key and just come in”

Sure enough, a key rattled in the lock for a moment before Chris strode in to the far side of the room, his eyes travelling to the clothes that littered the floor, to where Connor was sprawled across the bed, his eyes bloodshot and his skin blotchy. Chris narrowed his eyes and took a curtain in each hand with conviction.

“Tell me what’s wrong or I swear I will, Connor”

Connor held up both hands to stop him from opening the curtains and blinding him, suddenly feeling a great deal more alert. Chris knew exactly what to do to get information, you had to hand it to him.

“No, no, I’ll tell you...” he sat up against the headboard and Chris thankfully relented his grip and perched on the end of the bed, his eyes encouraging and without a trace of judgement.

“He-“ Connor took a deep breath “he kissed me, Chris” he groaned, dropping his head into his hands.

“Really? What did you do?” Of course Chris didn’t need to be told anything more, he seemed to have a healthy enough grasp on the situation through Connor’s incessant bitching since they’ve got here.

Connor chuckled darkly “What do you think? I kissed him back. Hard.” For some reason he couldn’t meet Chris’s eyes, he almost felt like he’d let him down.

“Isn’t that what you wanted? Why are you so upset?”

“I’m upset because I wanted it so much...” he sniffed, determined not to start crying again or he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop “He’s bad for me, I know that, but it was just... great, like, _really _great”

Connor lifted a hand and absent-mindedly touched the sore skin of his neck, his face slowly turning pink.

“Well, it can’t have been too good because as far as I can tell, he’s not here with you” Chris looked around as if expecting to see Kevin somewhere and Connor couldn’t help but smile, even if it was only for a moment.

“Okay, Number one:” Connor lifted his fingers up in turn “I am not going anywhere near that asshole until he apologises. Number two: I am not sleeping with anyone who can’t even admit they’re not straight, and Number three:” he raised his eyebrows “I can’t help but feel a little offended that you think I’d _sleep with someone_ on a first... date” Was date the right word? It sure had felt like a date...

Chris’s face fell and he hurried to pull him into a prolonged hug “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make it sound like that...”

Connor rolled his eyes and grinned at his companion’s enduring obliviousness “It was a joke, Thomas” _because I actually would have fucked him _he mentally added, acknowledging his very Kevin Price-shaped weakness.

“Well, what did happen last night?”

“I shouted at him, Chris” he murmured into Chris’s shoulder, glad he couldn’t see his face. “I got angry and I just... vented everything he put me through and it wasn’t pretty”

“It’s okay, let’s just hope you scared some sense into him”

Connor pulled back and gave Chris a look “That’s not helping” he pawed at his forehead despairingly “I just don’t get him, he swears, he drinks, he loves coffee and he doesn’t give a shit about breaking any of _those _rules, but he follows all of the homophobic, nasty ones to the letter - why does he choose those ones to be strict about?”

“He’s probably just scared” Connor felt a random Elder Thomas pearl of wisdom coming on and didn’t like it one bit “I remember when you were scared, when James and I were scared” his eyes were sweet and sincere “maybe you need to understand his side as well, yanno, step into his shoes”

Connor smirked and wiped a tear from his cheek “Now you’re making me feel bad for yelling at him...”

“Oh no, no, no” Chris placed a hand on his arm “I shudder to imagine what circle of hell you brought down on his shoulders but all I know is that asshole had it coming”

“I don’t deserve you, Chris” Connor brought him in for another, shorter hug.

Chris smiled broadly, glad to see Connor feeling a bit better “Thanks, Connor” he got to his feet “We’re going out to Victoria, do you want to come with?” Connor’s face twisted “Don’t feel like you have to” he added.

Connor thought about it - it might be nice to head out into town, but he knew Kevin would be there. Kevin who had kissed him (Kevin who he had kissed back...), Kevin who he had opened his heart to, Kevin who would still be the tall temptation on legs that he was last night.

“If it’s okay, I think I’ll stay here” he smiled weakly “I fancy a walk on the beach” Connor hated walking with a passion, and Chris was well aware of this, but he knew better than to push further.

“Alright, will you be okay?” His lips were pouted miserably, he wanted Connor to come just so he could keep an eye on him. Chris was too kind, too selfless, Connor was glad he had James to look after him now.

“I’m fine, I only ask that you, uh- don’t bring this up with Kevin.” Connor said vehemently “Please please please don’t bring this up with Kevin”

Chris gasped melodramatically “Like I would do that!” They squeezed another quick hug and Chris made for the door. The problem was that it was exactly like Chris to meddle, his intentions were always good but the outcomes were generally less so.

“I’ll never forgive you for all that stuff in Uganda” Connor chuckled, morosely reminiscing on all of the times in the Mission that Chris and Arnold would loudly tease him and Kevin. It had been playground stuff really, but all the times they would sarcastically ask for the date of their wedding, make kissing faces and hearts with their hands, Connor had laughed as if he and Kevin could actually ever love eachother. Since then the memories had almost been tainted, like he had put up a protective layer around them so they couldn’t hurt him any more than they already had.

Everything had been so simple back then.

“You know we love you really” Chris called, already halfway down the corridor by the sounds of it.

“Huh” Connor said bitterly, because _love_ was the one thing in his life that forever seemed just out of reach.

—————————————————————————  
_  
It was an odd feeling, to need something more than you need air to breathe._

_It was instinctual, animalistic - he** needed **Connor right now, **needed **his lips, his breath. The hands at his waist had taken two years to find him, but they were always coming, they were inevitable._

_Kevin could feel it - this would have happened one way or another, to be fair he was surprised he had survived this long without him. It was easy to say that now, he supposed, now that he had him in the palm of his hand._

_Connor was soft, warm, he made **noise**. God, Kevin loved the little sounds he would make, he furiously committed every whimper, cry and moan to memory like his life depended on it._

_It almost did, well, his life as he knew it did, the life that he had less than two hundred minutes left of. This life was worth living. It had Connor in it for a start._

_Kevin won’t gloss over the facts - he had fantasised about this, like, a lot, to the point where it was sometimes hard to focus on anything else except Connor, and Kevin thought he was beginning to develop tunnel vision. No matter whether he was gardening, cleaning or proselytising, his mind would inevitably begin to wander to a certain fairhaired District Leader. It had become inconvenient more than anything else, since imagining what Connor would look like when he came undone like this was in no way conducive to preaching about Jesus Christ._

_It didn’t matter if this had to end, if their one hundred and thirty four minutes were slipping out from beneath them, Kevin could finally say he had indulged, had broken, he had given in to his most primal desire and he loved it - he could finally say he was **happy** _

—————————————————————————

“If you guys keep on fiddling with the windows, I will stop this fucking car” Kevin warned, his patience, which was limited even on a good day, having been worn excruciatingly thin this morning.

Despite Chris and James never having seen him behind the wheel, Kevin had been unanimously elected to drive the party to Victoria - _designated driver _was really his typecast according to James. He was trying his best not to be offended by this, but he couldn’t help but take it a bit personally.

Arnold just giggled and continued to turn the squeaky handle “I’ve never seen a window with a twisty thing before!”

“Yeah, they’re so fun!” Chris seconded enthusiastically from the back.

They were of course referring to the old-fashioned window mechanism on Kevin’s ancient rental car, a novelty that was apparently worthy of ten solid minutes of relentless _squeaking_. Sure, the first thirty seconds had been funny, but after that point, well... Kevin had had many visions of hell before and none of them quite held a light to what he was going through today.

He wasn’t sure if he’d ever been through twelve hours like it - he’d had what he could honestly call the best thirty seconds of his life, followed by what was undeniably the worst. How his life had changed in the space of one minute. Kevin was proud to say that he had only cried twice in his adult life - both of them had been over that man, and last night he could have easily made it a third.

He wanted to say that he had kissed Connor on a whim, that it was just a spur of the moment thing, a mistake. But the truth was that Kevin had wanted to kiss him for two and a half years, even if he didn’t always like to acknowledge it. Just think - who was it that had always starred in his Hell Dreams? The amazing ten minutes before his Hell Dreams...

Connor McKinley was something else, the one person that Kevin had ever kissed, the one person he had ever wanted to kiss. He wasn’t sure what it was about him, he was funny, charming, sexy, he didn’t take himself too seriously and_ God, _you should see him in a suit. Connor confused him - he was a man, and Kevin liked him (really really liked him, let’s be honest). However, and here’s the dealbreaker, Kevin didn’t like men. To be fair, he didn’t like a lot of people so they should hardly think themselves special. This confusion, this uncertainty had driven him up the wall on many an occasion, but he didn’t think that in any of those times he also had to face two grown men dicking about with car windows.

“Oh my God, shut up!” They were stopped at a traffic light so Kevin was able to glare at each passenger in turn, from Arnold in the passenger seat to Chris, James and Naba in the back (although the latter pair hadn’t really done anything wrong).

“What’s up with you today, Kev?” Arnold ventured, his eyes concerned - he knew from experience how low Kevin could get on a _bad day._

“Nothing I, uh- nothing, I just need to... concentrate on the road” he set off again, not before fixing his hair in the rear view mirror.

Naba scoffed from the back “It can’t be nothing, you’ve been up and down like a yo-yo” she quickly checked with Chris that she had used the expression correctly before turning back to Kevin. “Well, more so than usual”

“Yeah, bud, it’s been all holiday” Arnold very _helpfully _added “First you won’t speak to anyone, then the next day you’re grinning like a dumbass, and now _this”_

If Kevin weren’t so focused on not crashing into the stupid Volkswagen Beetle going 10 goddamn miles an hour in front of him, he would probably facepalm the steering wheel. He just stayed quiet, unsure if his face was going to turn white or scarlet.

“I’m sure he’s fine, you guys” Chris of all people cut across, doing his best to give Kevin a meaningful look, but nuance wasn’t exactly his strong suit. Kevin allowed himself to exhale and focused on the road for the rest of the journey, following the road signs to Victoria.

They parked up by a shopping mall and waited around until the others arrived, James already bounding off down the street the moment their car came into view.

"Where do you guys want to go first?" James enthused, barely masking his excitement at finally getting to explore the beautiful town he had hardly shut up about.

Chris managed to catch up with him and grabbed him by the hand, and when Kevin turned to face Arnold and Naba, he realised with a pang of jealousy...? inadequacy...? That he was the only one here who wasn't in love (well, he was the only one not in a relationship, at least). He couldn’t wait until Neely and Shrader got here, all of these happy couples were beginning to make him feel quite sick.

"I should probably get something nice for Con" Chris said quietly to James, as if he didn't want anybody else to hear, but it was too late.

"Yeah, what's up with Connor anyway?" Arnold wondered aloud, making Kevin's eyes dart about nervously - he had wondered what was up with him this morning, because it hardly seemed like him to miss out on a shopping trip. But he already knew: Kevin. Kevin was the problem.

He felt like utter shit after last night, almost like he’d betrayed Connor’s trust before he had it in the first place. But that's the thing, Connor had kissed him back, he had been warm and soft, just how he remembered him, only a million times more vivid. His problem was that he thought that Kevin was just going to up and leave him, and he hadn’t a clue how to show him that he’d sooner die than do that again.

Chris cleared his throat “He’s umm... ill?” he managed, clearly unaccustomed to (and absolutely terribly at) lying. Kevin blushed furiously, because that meant Connor had told Chris... who had probably told James... so Kevin might as well start planning his own funeral as he slowly died of embarrassment.

“Yeah, I, uh-” Kevin spluttered, unsure why he’d opened his stupid mouth in the first place._ Shut up Kevin, you’re blowing your cover._

“Hey guys!” James enthused, waving at the rest of the gang across the street before turning to give Kevin a_ You’re welcome, stupid _look.

—————————————————————————  
_  
A chair had just clattered to the floor - that was the last coherent thought Elder McKinley’d had, and that was twenty minutes ago._

_It wasn’t as if his senses had dulled, quite the opposite, every sound, sight and sensation felt as if it were multiplied by a million, his brain was simply failing to compute them. He held onto some things, however, like the **look **on Kevin’s face when he’d sent that chair flying, when he’d captured Connor’s lips in a passionate kiss, straddling his waist as Connor sat frozen in his seat. His brown eyes had darkened, they had been almost black with longing and desire._

_Thankfully Connor’s nervous paralysis had worn off, because he could honestly say that touching Kevin had quickly become his favourite thing in the whole world. It was probably better than tap dancing, broadway and Liza Minnelli put together, and in Connor’s book, that was really saying something..._

_One thing he knew he’d never tire of - Running his hands through Kevin’s dark hair, watching him moan as he tightened his grip, let out a dissatisfied whine when he let go. He didn’t know that Kevin was capable of making a sound like that, simultaneously so needy and hot, but God, was he proven wrong._

_He couldn’t believe he had been missing out on this for two years. For two goddamn years he could have been making his eyes roll back in his head every single night, he could have felt his heartbeat quicken beneath his touch, he could have watched him come undone in a million different ways._

_Connor let out a high keen, clamping his hand over his mouth a moment too late. He had been determined that he wouldn’t wake up the entire village, although he’d since learnt that sounds could often bubble to his lips without going via his brain, and Kevin could read what he enjoyed like a book so his efforts had so far been painfully unsuccessful. Not that Kevin was complaining - a grin spread across his face and he lifted a hand to peel Connor’s fingers off his mouth._

_“We can’t be too- ah-“ Connor gasped “too loud”_

_Kevin reached down to kiss him, his tongue brushed sparingly across his lips before he pulled away. It had done the job - Connor could feel his inhibitions melting away with every passing moment “Why not?”_

_“God, I don’t know” he whined pathetically, eliciting a smirk from Kevin._

_“So,” Kevin whispered, sliding his hands down Connor’s waist. He leaned in so that his lips were millimetres from his ear._

_**“Be loud”** _

—————————————————————————

He wasn’t sure what drove him to do it, to actually go through the motions of getting dressed, eating, making himself a suitably disappointing cup of coffee from the limited amenities that had been placed in his room. But regardless of exactly why, Connor found himself outside. Let’s get this straight, he was no Scott of the Antarctic, he could still see the hotel through the trees if he squinted, but it was all baby steps.

Speaking of steps, he had only taken about five of them out onto the beach and his feet were already wet through. In retrospect, Converse probably weren’t the best shoes to wear when trudging through three inches of snow.

Anyway, he was a _man, _a man wearing rainbow converse but a man nevertheless - he wasn’t going to be deterred by the prospect (and inevitable eventuality) of wet feet. That’s what he kept telling himself, anyway. He did have to admit - once you’ve looked past the cold, the snow, the wind, the clouds, the impending threat of death from a million different variables, walking wasn’t all that bad.

At least it meant he could_ think_, able to analyse his thoughts without being suffocated by them like he was in that hole of a room. It was quiet, but not too quiet, since the lazy crashing of the waves were a constant presence, comforting in their regularity. He liked that about the sea - it didn’t change, it was predictable, it didn’t disappear, it didn’t fuck off to Utah and not reply to his texts.

The sea might ebb and flow, storm and retreat, but it was always_ there._

Connor remembered when he used to go to the beach with his family, how it had been just his mom, his dad and him together, and when Casey arrived it was like they were a proper family, complete at last.

The sea hadn’t changed since then, God knows everything else had, but the sea would always be there. His dad had grown shorter, fatter, he smiled less and shouted more, especially at his mom. One thing he’d said when Connor came out was that gay couples looked unnatural, unhealthy - of course being in a heterosexual marriage where he regularly beat his wife was perfectly healthy by comparison.

He ground his heel into the snow, uncovering a few small stones which lay hidden beneath. With a pink, shivering hand he picked one up. It was smooth and flat, rounded due to years of constant wear from the wind, the rain, the waves.

Connor had never sympathised with a rock as much as he did now.

With a small run up, he spun the stone as far out into the water as he could muster, where it skimmed twice before disappearing beneath the ashen waves.

Perhaps change could be good, I mean he might still be living in that two-dimensional joke of a household if hadn’t bit the bullet that evening. In hindsight, he probably could have planned it a bit better, you know, save up some money or at least pack a bag - he’d left in such a hurry, he’d even left behind his laptop (with all manners of unspeakable filth on it that he’d ardently communicated to his 15 year old sister to** delete and do not look at**). But he couldn’t help himself, it had sort of... slipped out over dinner one night and the rest was history.

Connor didn’t hate his life - not by a long shot, he had Chris, James, an apartment in New York, the prospect of a glittering education before him. It’s just that sometimes... he wasn’t sure if _lonely _was the word, but he always felt like he needed something more. Something more than sex with strangers, in any case.

He returned to the hotel late, facing the very real consequences of having left his gloves in his hotel room - namely that he couldn’t feel his goddamn fingers. Other than that, however, he had survived his walk mostly injury-free, and as far as he could tell, he was still alive so that was definitely a bonus.

The warmth of the lobby never failed to knock the wind out of him, and every exposed inch of skin burned at the sudden change in temperature. He dipped a hand into his pocket, fishing around for his room key. Okay, the cold was going to be much more of an obstacle than he thought - he couldn’t tell whether it was key-shaped, but it had resistance and felt smooth so he grabbed it.

The moment Connor had succeeded in retrieving the key from his pocket, his limited dexterity failed him, sending it clattering to the floor.

“_Fuck me” _he muttered, not looking forward to the very real possibility the he wouldn’t be able to pick up his key now until he regained some feeling in his hands.

He crouched down to pick it up, silently praying to any damn deity that would listen that he wasn’t about to embarrass himself in front of the whole lobby by falling on his ass or something. He was self-conscious like that - he could, had, and would karaoke his heart out in front of a hundred judgemental gay guys but the thought of tripping over his own feet made him want to throw up.

However an entirely different feeling of dread sunk in his stomach when a hand swooped in to grab it before him. It was a pale hand, a thin hand, a hand accented by chipped black nail polish.

“Kevin” he breathed, wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and pull it in after him. He’d done so well at avoiding this man, this bubbling cauldron of neuroses that was eager and ready to boil over. Kevin Price, ladies and gentlemen - the one that got away.

“Clumsy has never been a strong enough word” Kevin smiled shyly, passing him the key.

Their fingers brushed together. It was unavoidable, but it still took Connor by surprise. He swallowed and blinked quickly, determinedly not meeting the dark eyes that he felt on his face.

“um- thanks”_ Why did you say that?! You sounded like such an idiot, McKinley._

“Connor, I uh-“

“Don’t.” Connor cut him off, eyes still fixed on his feet.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t... say you’re sorry for- for last night, because I know you’re not.”

Kevin was silent for a long moment after that, looking as if he’d just been slapped across the face. He wasn’t sorry, it was clear as day. Connor didn’t mind - to be honest, he didn’t want him to apologise, not for kissing him anyway. He wanted him to apologise for being a coward, he wanted him to apologise for leaving him, he wanted him to apologise that the first step in their relationship had been illicit sex in his office instead of, I don’t know, _a first date._

“What... what do you want me to do, Con?” He murmured, his voice almost a whisper.

“I don’t know” Connor felt his eyes welling up, and he took deep breaths, trying to squash the bubble of anxiety that he felt in his chest “You’re smarter than me - think of something”

“If I was smart, then you wouldn’t be upset”

“I’m-“ Connor wiped his eyes on his sleeve indignantly, angling himself away “I’m not upset, I’m... going to my room” he turned on his heel and stalked off towards the elevator, tears now running freely down his face. Oh my god, that was pathetic even by his standards.

“Connor, I-“ Kevin called after him, but he pretended not to hear. He couldn’t carry on like this, something had to snap, it would have to be all or nothing, anything other than this directionless farse of a relationship.

But it would have to be Kevin, it had always been Kevin, Connor couldn’t bear being the one to take that first step into the abyss, hoping to be caught, especially after how many times he’d hit rock bottom.

Every text, every call had been a step off the edge. Connor had been falling for four days now, falling in love, falling off the wagon, and he knew that the ground beneath him would be all the more painful. He felt as if he were mere inches above it right now, bracing himself for the dull crunch of pavement.

—————————————————————————

“What do I do? I’m such a fucking idiot” Kevin groaned into his hands, sat up against the headboard in Arnold and Naba’s room, his chin resting on his knees “I got _this _close to apologising” he lifted a hand, the index finger and thumb almost touching.

Nabulungi, who was curled up next to him, chuckled lightly and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder “You’re not an idiot, Kevin” she was close but not too close, touching him but not to the point where he felt uncomfortable, she knew his boundaries and for that he was grateful “_I _think you shou-“

“No...” Kevin tilted his head to give her a despairing look, his bottom lip jutting out slightly “Don’t actually tell me what I should do because I know you’re just going to say something sensible”

She grinned at this and began to softly pat his back, her eyes, which were almost black, gave the impression of infinite depth. Kevin liked her eyes, they helped to calm him down even back when they used to talk together in Uganda, when _boy troubles _(as she so affectionately called them) were juvenile in their abundance, almost like high school all over again. They grew close back then, taking it in turns to giggle about Arnold’s latest escapade or else Kevin’s ever-progressing and _completely platonic _relationship with the District Leader.

“Okay then, I think you should wallow in self pity and uh- have a good bitch at your best friend’s girlfriend whilst you’re at it”

Kevin rolled his eyes “Thank God, finally some advice I know how to follow”

“You’re actually hopeless” A smile tugged at her lips.

“Don’t you think I know that?! I gave my ex-“ he twirled his hand in circles as if searching for a word “_guy friend _a goddamn hickey which, I will point out, he wasn’t even_ trying _to cover up - does that meant something? That means something... right?” Kevin was rambling now and he knew it, but at this point, literally anything was preferable to silence.

“Guy friend - ha!” She barked out a laugh and affectionately leant her head against his shoulder.

Kevin smirked and rounded on her, suddenly defensive “What would you have me call him?”

“From what you’ve told me...” Naba gave him an amused look out of the corner of her eye “I’d say... Lover? Flame?... _Amante?”_

Neither of them could help bursting into giggles at this, since the topic of Connor McKinley had never been a particularly serious one.

“Well he’s not going to be my anything unless I come up with something soon” he sniffed, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie.

“You need to figure out how you feel first, because no offence but you’re pretty fucked up when it comes to relationships”

“None taken...” Kevin said dryly, reflexively tugging down his sleeves.

“Look, just- after... what happened in Uganda, why didn’t you see him?” She had that despairing tone of voice, the tone of voice that he could feel chastising him for throwing away the one good thing in his life.

His face grew pink and he wasn’t quite sure how to answer that question “Is this meant to be the easy part? Cathartic or some bullshit?”

“Answer my question, Price, I’m trying to help you help yourself, here” Naba’s voice had returned to it’s usual cheeriness but he could tell that she was not in the mood to be tested.

“I- You don’t know how many times I wrote messages to him and just deleted them,” he was speaking quickly, as if defending himself “how many times I just stared at my phone, willing myself to call him” his voice cracked on the last word and so he didn’t say anything more - he was not going to cry over Connor McKinley. Not today.

“Alright,” She gratefully spared him, moving on to the next question “do you still love him?”

“_Fuck” _Kevin dropped his head into his hands, furiously blinking back tears. He didn’t know why he was crying, he wasn’t a_ letting your emotions out _sort of person, but Connor had a track record of bringing on the waterworks.

“C’mon Kev, this is the bit where you give me a cheesy line like ‘I never stopped loving him’” he could hear the smirk in her voice and couldn’t help but smile a bit.

“Well I kissed him last night, what do you think?” He murmured into his hands, the sound muffled almost to the point where it was incoherent.

Naba perked up beside him and her voice was meaningful and barely masked her excitement “Good point, _why _did you kiss him?”

He groaned again, this time lifting his head to give her a withering look “I don’t know, he was just there and we’d both had a lot to drink...”

“So it was a mistake, then”

_Mistake._ He hated that word, it didn’t belong anywhere near Connor. Connor and his polished looks, Connor and his smooth delivery, his deliberate movements that inexplicably struck Kevin as cat-like. Nothing about him was accident, nothing about him was a _mistake._

Kevin did a small double take “What? It wasn’t a mistake, I’d do it again-” Nabulungi gained a smug look and he opened and closed his mouth uselessly, annoyed that it had just betrayed him like that “I mean-“

“You don’t kiss people you don’t love, Kevin” she cut him off, that stupid grin still plastered onto her face “You - love - him” She clapped her hands to enunciate each syllable.

Kevin dropped his head into his hands again, his face growing hot “Oh God, I think I love him” he finally said it - he loved Connor, he really, really did now that he thought about it. He loved his confidence, his hair, his sense of humour - the way that his eyes crinkle at the sides when he grins...

Let’s get this straight, he didn’t like him quite enough to start spouting the ‘I’ve always loved him’ bullshit (he didn’t think it was possible for anyone to love somebody enough for_ that_ to be deemed acceptable) but more than enough to give him an existential crisis to rival the one he had when he left the Church for a few years back in Uganda.

She grinned and pulled him into an awkward side-on hug “Go get him, you idiot” they both giggled at this, but Kevin’s laugh died in his throat.

“That’s the thing,” he pulled back from Naba and fixed her with a watery stare “He said I can have him if I want him, but I need to prove that I’m not just gonna disappear again” he spat out these words, dabbing at his damp cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie - it was a tatty thing that was so old it probably warranted carbon dating.

Nabulungi should have known instantly that something was amiss with Kevin when he knocked on wearing _that,_ he wouldn’t normally be seen dead in anything less than a perfectly orchestrated ensemble.

“You two need to talk it out right now,” she clicked her phone on, checking the time. She hesitated “or tomorrow, it’s half ten and you _know _that our golden boy has a nine o’clock bedtime”

Kevin pulled her into a hug, a proper one with both arms, and they both grinned at how silly this all was.

They would have a happy ending, he knew it, no matter how long it took (and Kevin was more than willing to wait), he wanted to have Connor McKinley for longer than a week, he wanted him for ever.

—————————————————————————  
_  
“Kevin?” Connor groaned, painfully aware of every vertebrae in his body. There was a soft **thud **as a blanket fell to the floor. He didn’t know the time, the date, God, he couldn’t even tell you what day of the week it was but things like that felt oddly immaterial._

_The only things his brain could process were the swiftly fading memories of last night, the breathless way that Kevin had kissed him, the moans and whines he couldn’t have held back if he tried, each of them still echoing in his ears. It had all been such a blur - a good blur, an amazing blur, a blur he wouldn’t be averse to experiencing again sometime._

_The arms at his waist were noticeable in their absence, as well as the breath in his hair, the steady heartbeat beneath his ear. To put it simply, Kevin was gone._

_The empty space next to Connor on the desk was so cold and hard, so **not Kevin** that it was beginning to creep him out - Kevin wouldn’t just leave like that... would he?_

_No - Kevin wasn’t the type to leave without fanfare, it would be just like him to make an event of it, tearfully exchange numbers, kiss on the doorstep, promise to meet up in America as soon as possible. Connor would probably walk him to the bus stop because he was nice like that, and he would start to cry as he waved the bus off into the horizon, even though he knew full well he’d see Kevin in no longer than a week’s time anyway._

_Connor stiffly got to his feet, overwhelmed by a heady sensation as all the blood rushed back to his brain. He blinked sleepily, trying to clear his vision without much avail. The air in his office was close and stifling, and did little to lessen his sense of dreamy disorientation. A tiny amount of light filtered through his blinds, casting dust particles into glittering relief as they swirled through the stagnant breeze._

_“Kevin...?”_

_Kevin should be here._

_His breathing was beginning to quicken - this room was hot, too hot, and the walls, they were too close. My God, this was not happening right now, whenever he’d had a freak out in the past, Kevin had been there to... hold his hand or... stroke his hair or... just** something**, he needed something. He wiped the sweat from his brow with a shaking hand and made for the door as quickly as he could without falling over, which wasn’t very quick and certainly not in a straight line._

_Connor recoiled at the harsh beam of sunlight on his face, even if it did make him feel a bit better. The sun was pale, low in the sky, it couldn’t be much later than 6AM, he reckoned. At least this meant a snowball may have miraculously formed somewhere in hell and the bathroom was empty._

_When he checked himself out in the mirror he looked, for lack of a better term, a little shagged out. His blond hair was messy and stuck up in odd places, his lips were swollen and **Sweet Heavenly Father what happened to his neck?!** The pale skin from his jaw down to his collarbone was littered with bruises, angry patches of red and... teeth marks. A blush grew across his face at how forbidden it all was. It gave him such a rush, he felt like he could be high, since he’d only experienced something a bit like this once in his life when he had his wisdom teeth taken out and Casey teases him with that video to this day._

_Okay, so looks like operating heavy machinery is off the table for the time being, but it wasn’t all bad, he didn’t have that ‘just pulled out of a river look’ that his pallid complexion and under eye bags usually leant themselves to._

_Connor’s extra care to be silent as he returned to bed proved futile, because there was in fact nobody in his room to wake up. Chris wasn’t in his bed and Connor wasn’t really in the mood to expend any effort finding out why. He just set a quick alarm on his phone before crawling between the itchy sheets - sheets he wouldn’t be upset seeing the tail end of - and let himself drift away properly for the first time in weeks._  
**  
** ‘It’s raining men, Hallelujah it’s raini-‘  
  
“Shit-“ Elder McKinley grumbled, blindly silencing the alarm on his phone. It couldn’t be 9AM already, he’d only just- yep, it was 9AM alright, the sound of raucous laughter was drifting down the corridor from the direction of the kitchen. 

_“That’s not funny- ew! Get it away from me!”_

_“It’s just a spider, Chris, it’s not gonna eat you”_

_“Like heck it won’t - how do you know that?!”_

_“Because spiders don’t-“_

_“C’mon, Davis, lay off him - chuck it out the window or something...”_

_“No! Don’t kill it!”_

_“Honey, we can’t get rid of it and not throw it out of the window”_

_“Well- stick it in the pantry or something, just get it away from me!”_

_Sounds like Connor was needed. Someone owed him ten bucks, because nobody thought that they’d be able to get into silly arguments over nothing without the Queen of Drama Elder Price or Arnold’s unwavering and highly specific opinions on pop culture (The blanket rule amongst the elders was that if John Williams or Hans Zimmer’d had their grubby paws on it, it was wise to steer clear of the subject). Of course Connor knew his elders better than that - the lot of them could be gagged and sitting in different rooms and still find a way to argue about one thing or the other._

_“No, get away- Elder McKinley, make him stop!” Elder Thomas whined when Connor appeared at the doorway. He was crouched behind a good-naturedly exasperated Elder Church and seemed to be cowering away from Elder Davis, who was brandishing a large spider._

_“Davis, stick it in a cupboard or something, it’s the next District nine’s problem now” Connor’s voice held none of its normal authority but it made no difference - if Elder McKinley said something, it was law. Even if some of the elders liked him more than others, every one of them held a respect for their District Leader, because not just anybody would be up to the unenviable task of looking after an entire District for two years without proper funding or support from the Church._

_Davis tossed it in the cutlery drawer with an evil grin on his face before stalking off to where his coffee was growing cold on the countertop._

_“Wish I could see the face of the poor bastard who discovers our friend here” Davis smirked._

_“Language, Elder” Connor reprimanded out of habit, though he couldn’t honestly say he cared anymore._

_“C’mon, McKinley, it’s the last day - just because your boyfriend’s not here doesn’t mean you get to take it out on us lot”_

_It was a throwaway comment really, it wasn’t the first time anyone had joked about him and Kevin being together and it wouldn’t be the last, but **something **about the gloating way he said it, along with everything Connor had been through in the last twelve hours, the eyes he could feel roaming the purple patches on his neck, it really rubbed him up the wrong way._

_He shifted his gaze to the smirking Elder, the stupid smile disappearing off his face the moment he caught sight of Connor’s expression._

_“Shut up, Davis” it was all he could trust himself to say without boiling over, and he felt more than ready to boil over._

_He could sense that a few elders had sprung up out of their chairs to do mindless busywork, trying and failing to break the tension that hung tangibly in the room. Someone was taking plates out of one cupboard and pointlessly transferring them to another one, whilst someone else was taking knives and forks out of sink to replace in the cutlery drawer-_

_“FUCK!” Elder Neely burst out, shocking everyone out their awkward silence. The spider had evidently returned with a vengeance, and was crawling it’s way up his arm._

_Nobody, not even Connor, could help but laugh at this. Neely flailed his arm about with abandon, a panicked squeal leaving his lips that Connor couldn’t associate with his usual calm and collected demeanour._

_“It’s not so funny now, is it, John?” Chris jeered, having regained his place hiding behind James._

_“Fucking hell, Thomas” he breathed, lobbing the spider out of the open window “Eight-legged **bastard**”_

_Connor giggled and pulled the shaking elder into a hug “Love you” he smiled, his words tinged with sadness. No more silly little debates after today, no more homicidal spiders, no more life-and-death ping pong tournemants, it was just them against the big world, a world which extended well beyond the borders of Kitguli._

_“We love you too, Elder McKinley” he replied, to the fervent affirmations of the other elders. Connor’s eyes travelled from elder to elder, each one wearing a smile broader than the last._

_He’d told himself he wouldn’t cry, he was determined, but the pressure building behind his eyes threatened to make a liar of him with increasing insistence. These guys were his family, far more than anybody back in America ever could be. District nine had seen him at his best and his worst - they knew he was gay and could still look him in the eye, which meant more to him than he could ever say and already placed them several rungs above the McKinleys on the empathy front._

_Connor did end up crying, of course he did, but not nearly as much as he could have done, so there stood a small victory at least. In the end he was rushing to get packed, but no amount of foresight in the world could have avoided that, it was the way things had always been destined to be._

_When he tried on a white shirt it felt too... tight, constrictive all of a sudden even though Connor was ten pounds lighter than he was when he first left Salt Lake City two years ago. He instead pulled on the navy sweater that Elder Price had let him ‘borrow’ - telling him it complemented his eyes, as well as a pair of jeans - he concluded that he would be in enough trouble as it was with his parents that a uniform violation could hardly make matters much worse for him. His bus left in, he checked his watch, twenty minutes, and it was a five minute walk to the bus stop._

_“Elder Thomas?” He sing-songed, flowery pink suitcase in hand “Chris?” He burst into the living room, where the front door hung open and two figures were silhouetted in the midday sun._

_Elders Church and Thomas clung tight to eachother, seemingly afraid to let go, their lips pressed together in a deep kiss. James had his arms wrapped around the smaller man’s waist while Chris’s hands were buried deep in the dark hair above him, prolonging the kiss for as long as he could._

_Okay..._

_Connor couldn’t stand there in front of Mary Mother of Christ Immortalised in Porcelain and say he was surprised - the pair had spent two years acting like an old married couple and sneaking about together. Connor might be a bit slow but he wasn’t stupid - they weren’t exactly having one-to-one scripture sessions all this time, were they. Even so, it was a subject that had miraculously gone under the radar considering the sheer amount of...** one-to-one scripture sessions **they’d had._

_Hold on a second - how could Chris have stood there in front of Mary Mother of Christ Immortalised in Porcelain for two years and given him and Kevin hell about flirting with eachother when he and James had been canoodling beneath all their noses the entire time? The word scandalised didn’t quite cover the rage rainbow that was brewing within Connor at the thought._

_Sure he was a bad person, but even he wasn’t enough of a bastard to consider interrupting their ministrations. He silently set his pink suitcase down and backed out of the room - in the grand scheme of things, what was five more minutes?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and sorry if it’s a bit lengthy but as far as I’m concerned, brevity is the soul of fuck all.  
Aaaaanyways I randomly decided to get tumblr a couple weeks ago so follow me on there I guess @gemma-nye (Why yes, somebody else has the username gemmanye so I had to stick a dash in there like an idiot :))  
PS I’m sorry to any Canadians/geography fanatics who read this chapter because halfway through writing I discovered that Victoria is in fact a four and a half hour drive away from Tofino (where the story is set) and I couldn’t really wiggle my way out of that, so if I can pretend it’s a half-hour drive then so can y’all x


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